Saturday, 17 July 2010

Stuff & junk

I have not been very focused of late. Not focused on finding work, working with the band, blogging, exercise I could go on. The list is endless.

Now usually this would lead me into a line of thought that I am hopeless and will never succeed but I have had something of a revelation. This is how I deal with stress. I avoid it. I don't face the problem head on until I can either actually "do" something about it or it becomes too big to ignore.

This is big news for me because I am not beating myself up about my failings I am simply acknowledging them and trying to find an answer. This my friends is all thanks to reading your bloggs and realizing that other people have failings too and everyone else's life is not perfect. How did it take me 44 years to realize that?

So to specifics! I talk and walk in my sleep. I usually only do this when I am very stressed. I haven't done it in a while but its started again with avengence. Apparently last night I sat bolt upright in bed and shouted "Oh my god!" Then looked at Marcus (he was awake by now) and told him "don't move" over and over. I then looked in the bed for something and then lay ed down and went back to sleep?????????
Its a good job he 1. loves me and 2. is used to this.

I also sleep eat. Well I am more awake than the sleep talking but not enough to reason with myself and stop myself. Last night I also ate three slices of strawberry flan!!!!! So being good during the day is one thing but then I go and sabotage myself and I'm not even awake enough to enjoy it.

I know the stress it all about losing my job at the end of July. I don't do well with change and because this change is being forced on me it is even worse. In my waking hours I am dealing with everything by avoiding the problem so maybe that's why its coming out in the night? I am going to have to take some positive steps and use the waking hours to solve some problems.

I also learned something else this weekend. I read Draz's blog and cannot believe she is shy as she is so vivacious but I am also someone that people would not say is shy but I secretly am. I have been called confident and outgoing twice this week BUT we got a surprise bonus from work to say "thank you" for all our extra effort and at a push it would be enough money to get me to Chicago. So I checked out the flights and did the math secretly knowing I could not go as I am too scared. I really want to go. I ache to go but the fear of meeting everyone, travelling alone, spending money on non essentials when we are both out of work is crippling me. I know you would all be super nice but it's not in me to be able to make it just yet. It took a lot for me to admit that. Draz you know how that feels.

Anyway on the plus side I am finally admitting that shit happens and it's not always because I am a rubbish person. Yay me. Think of all the things I have survived and come out stronger from. 2 marriages for one thing. I know things will work out somehow its just the unknown that is scaring the pants off me right now.

On the weight loss. I have always been a self saboteur and as soon as people start to say "oh you look great, are you losing weight?" I start to cheat and stop losing. I think this is happening now. I know I want to be thinner but compared to how I felt three and a half months ago this feels good and I am kind of stuck here not truly believing that I can lose anymore weight. I have been stuck at 231 for 4 weeks and when I say stuck I mean kind of sticking myself. Example: Yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was 228lb which felt great. So my little belly said "wow you have done well, its weigh in day on Sunday you could lose another pound by then, well done" but my big belly said " you have people over and yummy food available, you could have a good old munch and still have lost a pound from last week. Go on enjoy yourself" no prizes for guessing which voice I listened too. Why am I scared to succeed? That's a question for another day.

On a side note (sorry for rambling but I did say I wasn't focused) I saw someone I knew at the gym the other day and she said "wow you have lost weight, is it just from coming to the gym?" me being honest Abe said "no I had a band" to which she replied "you cheater". Well usually this would have pee'd me off and even though it is nearly TOM I didn't feel the urge to stand on her throat. Where did this serenity come from lol. I just thought "you are so insignificant in my life that your opinion has no value to me" Check me out!!!!!!

Other news, I went to Zumba last week for the first time and LOVED it. I am going to become a devotee. Also I had 3 girlfriends round for lunch yesterday and we had a lovely day. Two were pregnant and one brought her 5 month old baby. It was great. And my sister is 17 weeks and still fine. Yippee.

Oh and did I mention the sun is shinning and that always makes me happy?
And just in case you are interested I have decided that with my bonus I will have a small splurge and buy myself a bike. A proper ladies town and country bike a bit like the one in the photo but not quite the same as this one costs £600 and that's too expensive. Isn't it beautiful?

No one mention the evil Aunt in The Wizard of Oz!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. I am so sorry you are stressed right now. You have every right to be so I say just experience the stress and try to work on confronting it--baby steps, though.
    I understand your anxiety over Chicago, but you are already in the process of working on this so you will totally be at the next BOOBS get-together. I just know it!

    I also self-sabotage. For me, it's skepticism that this band could ever work since I've been a pro-dieter all my life. Honestly, you can't control what you do in your sleep. It's the stress and as soon as things settle a bit, you will get back to not sleep walking/talking/eating.

    I love that bike! A great way to spend that bonus!!

    Sending you vibes of strength! I know you will get through this.

    Love you, Fi!

  2. Okay, before I read it I thought "Wizard of Oz!!" That's funny. Hang in there and try to see this as just another journey with some small bumps in the road. You'll get there!

  3. ha ha thats girls. I am ashamed to say its not the Aunt in the Wizard of Oz, its the horrible lady that wants to put Toto down. Who could think Aunty Em was evil.
    I am also considering padlocking the fridge :-)

  4. I love this post. My favourite line: "you are so insignificant in my life that your opinion has no value to me". Can I use it too! And I would have belted the bitch-you showed such control. Although Chicago will be great, there will be more and more of them, we promise.

  5. No doubt you're stressed. You'll come out better on the other side (it sounds like you always do)... and we'll be here with you as much as you need.

    I also love your cool reply to a very rude question...!

    You know, I think weight loss feels even slower when you're blogging about it. I guess keeping such a close watch makes it feel like it's never going to happen. Kinda like watching for a pot of water to boil?!?

    No stress about Chicago... I'm impressed you were seriously considering it!

  6. I hope all is better for you now. Losing a job really does add to stress. I too talk in my sleep when I am stressed. Luckily, I don't have any secrets to keep!

    Thanks for commenting on my blog and your kind words! It really means a lot to me. :)