Saturday, 17 July 2010

Stuff & junk

I have not been very focused of late. Not focused on finding work, working with the band, blogging, exercise I could go on. The list is endless.

Now usually this would lead me into a line of thought that I am hopeless and will never succeed but I have had something of a revelation. This is how I deal with stress. I avoid it. I don't face the problem head on until I can either actually "do" something about it or it becomes too big to ignore.

This is big news for me because I am not beating myself up about my failings I am simply acknowledging them and trying to find an answer. This my friends is all thanks to reading your bloggs and realizing that other people have failings too and everyone else's life is not perfect. How did it take me 44 years to realize that?

So to specifics! I talk and walk in my sleep. I usually only do this when I am very stressed. I haven't done it in a while but its started again with avengence. Apparently last night I sat bolt upright in bed and shouted "Oh my god!" Then looked at Marcus (he was awake by now) and told him "don't move" over and over. I then looked in the bed for something and then lay ed down and went back to sleep?????????
Its a good job he 1. loves me and 2. is used to this.

I also sleep eat. Well I am more awake than the sleep talking but not enough to reason with myself and stop myself. Last night I also ate three slices of strawberry flan!!!!! So being good during the day is one thing but then I go and sabotage myself and I'm not even awake enough to enjoy it.

I know the stress it all about losing my job at the end of July. I don't do well with change and because this change is being forced on me it is even worse. In my waking hours I am dealing with everything by avoiding the problem so maybe that's why its coming out in the night? I am going to have to take some positive steps and use the waking hours to solve some problems.

I also learned something else this weekend. I read Draz's blog and cannot believe she is shy as she is so vivacious but I am also someone that people would not say is shy but I secretly am. I have been called confident and outgoing twice this week BUT we got a surprise bonus from work to say "thank you" for all our extra effort and at a push it would be enough money to get me to Chicago. So I checked out the flights and did the math secretly knowing I could not go as I am too scared. I really want to go. I ache to go but the fear of meeting everyone, travelling alone, spending money on non essentials when we are both out of work is crippling me. I know you would all be super nice but it's not in me to be able to make it just yet. It took a lot for me to admit that. Draz you know how that feels.

Anyway on the plus side I am finally admitting that shit happens and it's not always because I am a rubbish person. Yay me. Think of all the things I have survived and come out stronger from. 2 marriages for one thing. I know things will work out somehow its just the unknown that is scaring the pants off me right now.

On the weight loss. I have always been a self saboteur and as soon as people start to say "oh you look great, are you losing weight?" I start to cheat and stop losing. I think this is happening now. I know I want to be thinner but compared to how I felt three and a half months ago this feels good and I am kind of stuck here not truly believing that I can lose anymore weight. I have been stuck at 231 for 4 weeks and when I say stuck I mean kind of sticking myself. Example: Yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was 228lb which felt great. So my little belly said "wow you have done well, its weigh in day on Sunday you could lose another pound by then, well done" but my big belly said " you have people over and yummy food available, you could have a good old munch and still have lost a pound from last week. Go on enjoy yourself" no prizes for guessing which voice I listened too. Why am I scared to succeed? That's a question for another day.

On a side note (sorry for rambling but I did say I wasn't focused) I saw someone I knew at the gym the other day and she said "wow you have lost weight, is it just from coming to the gym?" me being honest Abe said "no I had a band" to which she replied "you cheater". Well usually this would have pee'd me off and even though it is nearly TOM I didn't feel the urge to stand on her throat. Where did this serenity come from lol. I just thought "you are so insignificant in my life that your opinion has no value to me" Check me out!!!!!!

Other news, I went to Zumba last week for the first time and LOVED it. I am going to become a devotee. Also I had 3 girlfriends round for lunch yesterday and we had a lovely day. Two were pregnant and one brought her 5 month old baby. It was great. And my sister is 17 weeks and still fine. Yippee.

Oh and did I mention the sun is shinning and that always makes me happy?
And just in case you are interested I have decided that with my bonus I will have a small splurge and buy myself a bike. A proper ladies town and country bike a bit like the one in the photo but not quite the same as this one costs £600 and that's too expensive. Isn't it beautiful?

No one mention the evil Aunt in The Wizard of Oz!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 16 July 2010

BYOC :-)

1. Because I’m going hardcore on Monday to lose my last 15 before vacation I’m curious….what’s the oddest diet you have tried? Or which ones have you tried and were any successful?

• I have honestly tried everything! The cabbage soup diet, the only eating food of the same colour each day, WW, Slimming World, The Cambridge Diet, Lighter Life,Atkins, the Hay diet, Dr Phil's diet I could go on but this would be a very long post. My dietitian said there was nothing she could tell me about nutrition. Its very sad really :-(

2. Do you prefer baths or showers?

• I prefer showers but at the moment we only have a bath. We are getting a shower soon :-) But I bath in the morning and sometimes its so nice just to sink into it. I am one of those people that get in get washed and get out so baths are wasted on me unlike Marcus who hogs the bath for at least an hour at a time.

3. What is your favorite breakfast food?

• Bacon sandwiches made with white bread yum yum yum.

4. What’s your least favorite word?

• I don't like the c word but really any word said hurtfully enough is horrible. I bet enough of us hate the word fat or failure.

5. Repeat question…make someone a Superstar for a day! Whose blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week and why?

* Grace got to me again when she was feeling so down, I’m happy Steph got so many comments on her brother/mother blog and TessieRose’s blog was heartbreaking….I have to agree with Draz this week. Big hugs to all xxx

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Well that showed me, again.

My last post was about my weekend away visiting Marcus's sons and all about how much I was dreading it. Not seeing the boys but the whole ex wife situation.

Well sometimes life takes you by surprise and teaches you to not think you are so clever next time. Getting the boys was a pleasure as usual and they looked so healthy and well.

We ate in the hotel restaurant on Friday night and it was lovely. The food was OK, nothing special. I had chilli con carne and only ate the meat so that wasn't too bad. The glass of wine before dinner was a mistake as it went straight to my head but we had a very relaxing pleasurable evening.

We could not stay for breakfast in the hotel on Saturday as we had to leave for the football tournament by 8am so we stopped in at MacDonald's on the way and I had porridge. It was yummy.

The football tournament was in Redcar. We drove to the playing fields which were very open and surrounded by open countryside and mountains in the distance (very picturesque) and on the other side of the road was Redcar beach. I have stayed in Redcar before and remember it as a horrible stony beach but to my surprise that beach was a mile and a half up the shore. The part where we were was stunning. Long flat sands with a gorgeous view. The weather was beautiful. Really hot and sunny but with a cooling breeze. Marcus's son wasn't in every game so when he was resting we walked up and down the beach and even had a paddle.

Then we took Marcus's youngest son (13) and his half brother (4) for a walk to the sea front where they have amusement arcades and fish & chip shops. That was a 3 mile round trip on the beach and we got the best chips I have ever eaten! I only managed half a portion so Marcus reaped the benefits.

No 1 son's team reached the final and lost 1-nil. They played really well and picked up a nice medal. We finally left the playing fields at 8:30pm very tired and a little sun burnt.

We went to Pizza Hutt for dinner, very late, about 10pm and I had salad and one slice of pizza, no crust. So food wise it wasn't a bad day really when you also factor in all the walking.

On Sunday morning we had hotel breakfast, I had porridge again and then we took the boys home :-( always a sad moment but not too bad this time as we will be picking them up at the end of July for their two week stay.

On the 5 hour car journey home I did some water colouring. I like to colour Magnolia stamps. And this made the journey fly by.

When we got home the girls had cleaned the flat and prepared a beautiful roast lamb dinner. My sister and my very pregnant friend were both coming for dinner and we had a lovely meal.

I know this is a long post but I have to tell you this story. I live in a second floor flat and its impossible to get a window cleaner, they wont climb up that far. Anyway while dinner was cooking two guys knocked and said do I want a window cleaner? I jumped at the offer and asked when they would be coming. They said half an hour! So we all sat at the dinner table in the kitchen with the new window cleaner doing the windows lol. He really did a good job then he knocked on the window and said " sorry but I have to tell you your dinner smells wonderful" the guy in charge shouted up "what are you doing?" and he says "just talking to them" It was a very surreal situation and I am glad everyone found it as funny as me.

So as well as a wonderful weekend, a gorgeous meal and lovely company I also got clean windows. It doesn't get much better than that. And I had such low expectations of the whole thing.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

BYOC better late than never x

1. Love or money? High salary or job satisfaction?

* Always love but money would sure be nice. Job satisfaction but again financial recognition would be great too. Life is hard without money but even harder without love. And you can't buy love so money on its own wouldn't work either. It's nice to recognise this once in a while especially when you are struggling financially.

2. What is your favorite time of day?

* I love the sky so my best times of day are dawn and dusk but any spectacular sky makes me happy. I love just before its completely dark and the sky has that vibrant dark blue colour and the last remnants of the day are departing, I love the nights when the moon is full and the autumn clouds are racing across the sky and I love September days when the weather is turning colder but you sometimes get a really warm clear day that reminds you of the summer.

3. My in-laws just had their wills done so it made me wonder this. Do you have a will? Did you tell anyone your wish to be kept alive or not?

* I don't have a will but my "kids" are 18 and 23 so I don't have to think about leaving them to anyone. My sister would watch over them. Everyone that loves me knows I don't want to live on a machine given the choice it's pull the plug and donate everything except my eyes. (cant explain why not the eyes its just a personal thing)

4. Repeat question. Pick one thing for one day you'll do next week that aids in your physical or mental health.

* I am going to have to say that I am not going to set any goals this week because every time I do I just break them and hate myself. So I am going to work on just getting through the week hopefully at least 2lb lighter. I will do as much as possible to make this happen but no specific goals.

5. Repeat questions. Make someone a superstar for a moment...whose comment or blog stuck with you this week and why.

* Grace & Stephanie this week. Both for very different reasons but both struck a cord. "hugs" to both x

Friday, 2 July 2010

Another weekend away!!!!!

I am not super rich, far from it but Marcus's sons live in Middlesborough which is in the north of England and we live in the South of England so we try to see them about 5 times a year.

We have them for a week at Christmas, a week at Easter, two weeks in August and then we try to fit in a couple of weekends in between. We booked this weekend when we thought we were finishing work this month and then our jobs got extended for another month.

It costs us between £350 to £450 each time we come up here and more obviously when they come to stay so its something we have to budget for.
They used to live just around the corner from us but then Marcus's ex wife met someone from the North and moved here. This means we have to bear all the costs to see the boys and its not always easy. Its especially hard thinking we may be out of work for any length of time because for me its hard but for Marcus it means he doesn't get to see his sons and they are very close. They are 13 & 15.

They are very into sport and his oldest son wants to teach sport in the future so we have to organise trips around sporting fixtures. We thought this weekend would be fine as there was nothing on the list and the football season is finished then last week No1 son was told he had a tournament that he had to attend.

This means we drove 248miles which took 6 and a half hours (because of traffic) to spend the weekend watching football. And with the world cup still on its constantly on the TV too. Then when we got here Marcus told me his ex wife would be there too! Now it's not that we don't speak but I can think of a million and one things I would rather do than spend the whole day watching football with the ex wife (who does not really like me). I am trying not to be selfish but I really want to sulk.

I know how important it is to him and I love seeing the boys too. But I would have rather spent £450 doing something we could all enjoy.

Anywho I am in the hotel with the football on the TV catching up with blogs and trying to make the best of it. And I will miss another weigh in! I will have to do it on Monday again.


Seeing that it’s a patriotic holiday of sorts I thought of this one: Where were you on September 11th?

• I have a terrible memory so I am not 100% sure of the where and when but I know I was stopped in my tracks and had a feeling of total disbelief. Even watching it on the news didnt seem real. I think the most heartbreacking site was the people that jumped from the top floors holding hands. I could not contemplate that decision.
I also remember feeling that the world had changed forever on that day.

2. What is your idea of fun? If given the chance to skip work/life for an entire day, what would you do? (assume you’d be by yourself)

• If I could do anything I would start the day with a hot air balloon ride over Orlando. Then I would do a whistle stop tour of all the best rides and go to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch. Then I would spend the afternoon on the beach in the Florida Keys followed by Circ de Soleil then an evening of cocktails by the pool in my own villa. Obviously it would be a long day with some time travel involved and lots of money.
But if I had to be sort of real about this great day I would sleep till 7:30am (thats late for me) go for a swim, then go to the beach or lay on a swing bed in a beautiful garden. (I have neither of these things)read a good book, catch up on blogs,watch chick flicks and relax. I love my own company.

3. Suggestion from a follower. Some blog questions.

How many blogs do you follow? 105 wow I just counted. Thankfully not everyone blogs everyday or I would never keep up.

Do you read them all or just your faves? I read almost every one that comes up in my Dashboard.

Do you comment a little, a lot, on all? I like to leave at least a small comment to to show that I am reading their blog. Everyone likes a bit of feedback.

Have you ever unfollowed someone because of something they said or you didn’t like their blog? Not yet but I am considering it.

Do you routinely unfollow and why? I havent got round to that yet but there are a couple that I totally have nothing in common with that I may unfollow in future. But I feel so mean doing it. Maybe I wont.

4. Repeat question. Pick one day and one healthy thing you’ll do for just that day next week.

I will listen to my hypo cd for confidence at least 3 times this week. I will also drink drink drink water.

5. Repeat "Make someone a superstar" question. Whose blog or blog comment stuck with you this week and why?