Thursday, 30 December 2010

Just a hello

Hi everyone,

Its so nice to read about everyone's success stories at this time of year. It's traditionally a time for reflection and taking stock. How nice that we all feel so much better than this time last year?

I was feeling a bit down that I have not been doing so well. But while taking stock of the giant changes that have happened in my life this year I realised that for someone like me who doesn't like change I have done remarkably well to be this stable.

So far I have left my job of 10 years (major change), started a whole new job (very hard)and then done the whole new job thing again 10 weeks later! For me that is a huge amount of upheaval in a short amount of time. Oh and I had a gastric band.
And I am still sane, happy and 40lbs lighter. Who would have thought it?

The weight loss hasn't been what I would have hoped for but in all honesty I haven't given it the priority status it has deserved. Something I intend to rectify in the new year when things are more settled on the work front.

My first few weeks in my new job have been amazing. Everyone is really nice and welcoming. We have had lots of social events and freebies. It has been a totally different world for me. That is not always good as some of you will understand. I have sometimes felt like my comfort blanket has been ripped off me and burnt in front of my eyes.

My last job was in Automotive manufacturing so although it was new, the terminology was pretty much the same and the principles were the same too. But now I am in retail which is a whole new world. Every word they use is foreign to me. I cannot deny it is very daunting. Plus they do Everything in Excel, which is also quite new to me. I have used excel in the past but not to this extent. When someone who is very good with excel is showing you what to do it's quite hard to follow. But from experience I know I will get there in the end but I HATE BEING NEW!!!!!!!

Anyhoo I digress. What I am trying to say is that whatever your progress, be it 1lb lost or 100lb (well done!) we have all grown and made positive changes in the last year that we should be very proud of. Just look back at photos of last Christmas "shock".

I hope that everyone has a fantastic New Year. I hope that the amazing changes continue. And I hope that we will all continue to support one another because discovering blogging has probably been THE most positive change of 2010 for me.

Thank you everyone for your help, support and honesty.

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Fantastic news.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you are all well and warm. It has been snowing here for a week so of course the South East of England has ground to a halt. We have about 6inches where I live, which is quite a lot for us. I work 20 miles away and they had no snow! Go figure. So there was no point trying to blag a day off. To be honest the main roads were OK so my journey didn't suffer. In fact the roads were much quieter than usual because lots of people didn't go to work.

Anyway on to my fantastic news.
I got the job at Bare Escentuals!!!!!
Me,I did it, I got the most fantastic job. Yay me!

I had to give a weeks notice at my current job. Doesn't sound a lot but that's what they had in my contract. I left yesterday. It was quite sad really as I really liked the people I worked with and had just started to feel like I fit in. But the thought of my dream job helped me feel better.

So the new job is for an Inventory Coordinator. It will be schedules and stock control. Lots of spreadsheets and numbers (my mortal enemies) but once I know what to do I am sure it will be fine. News flash # I really suffer with lack of confidence # something other people do not see??? I must be a good actress. But they liked me enough to give me the job.

So what makes it a dream job? Well the starting salary is almost as much as my last job that I had for ten years, and 4k more than I was getting at the place I just left. After a qualifying period they offer full sick pay, full health care and an annual bonus of 10% of your salary plus a pension.

More importantly the product is make up, which I love and I get 50% of wholesale price!!!!! Suddenly I have a lot of "best friends".

More importantly they are a very supportive company who have a great feeling about them. I have already received a letter from the HR Director saying they are excited for me to join the team. You have to understand I have always worked in manufacturing and they are just interested in what you can do for them. This company seems excited in what I can bring but also how they can help me develop.

They have already sent me my intineray for next week which has 20 min meetings with everyone in the Company including two days working at Soho Square in London, meeting the QVC channel managers, all the Directors and a visit to the Covent Garden Boutique.

I can't tell you how excited I am. If ever a job came up that was everything I needed financially and emotionally then this is it. I thrive on encouragement. Just believe in me and I will rise to the challenge.

I am having my hair cut today and buying some new clothes so I can feel at my best when I meet everyone next week.

I have rambled on a bit I know. Did I mention I was excited?
On the Fiona = Debbie downer side, I am hoping I haven't built it up too much but only time will tell.

I promise I will keep you posted.
Oh and they have already sent me an invite to the Christmas party.

Stay safe and warm. Eat lots of healthy soup.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The amazing power of blogging.

Well here I was feeling like the worst bandster/blogger in the world and then I find there is a pattern and I am not alone!

I have spent any free time in the last couple of days catching up with blogs only to find that almost every one's weight loss has slowed down and stalled at some point and that almost everyone is blogging less. I can stop beating myself up now. (well just for a while, wouldn't want to break the habit of a lifetime)

Grace said it best when she said "When I blog, I am successful. When I don't, I am less successful." She is so right and So successful. One of the great things about blogging with fellow bandsters is to draw on the wealth of experience.

I am looking at the tickers of people banded at the same time as me and thinking I am not doing so well but I keep forgetting I have only had two fills since March. So its not too bad really. I have to think positively in order to get back on track.

I gave weight watchers a try but didn't do so well. I think its because given the choice, when I'm hungry I choose the unhealthy food that "slides" down rather than the healthy option that is hard work and painful. For example, last night I had well cooked chicken casserole but two bites in I was sick so I had the English equivalent to Cheetos for dinner! I need to get organised and make some healthy options.

I seem to be hungry all the time?
Anyway I am not going to whinge. I am going to try to have the attitude that every day is a new beginning.

On "new beginnings" I have an interview on Monday for a cosmetic company called Bare Escentuals. They are an American company who sell on line and on QVC. I am looking forward to the interview because there is no pressure as I already have a job. I really like the company mission statement and they sound like a good place to work so I will keep you posted on how it goes.

Happy Tuesday xxx

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Not sure what to call this???

Forgive me bloggers, it's been seven weeks since my last blog.
It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride with more lows than highs but life goes on so here I am.

We had a period of time where both DH and I were out of work which was trying to say the least. I got very depressed and didn't even want to talk for a while. I won't even go into what that was like.

We are both working now but the change has been hard. DH has a job which is OK but nowhere near as much autonomy as his previous role and I have a job which is a lot less pay and responsibility. So not great for either of us. I find it hard to handle change so it's taken a while to settle in plus my boss makes me feel like a bitter disappointment. The other people in my department are OK. But it's only a twelve month contract so this time next year I will be looking again! Lets hope things pick up a bit before then.

Anywho the most important thing to happen recently is that my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy called Max. He was 10 weeks early so is still in special care but he is doing well. He weighed just over 3lb at birth and is now nearly 4lb but still suffering from jaundice. He didn't need a ventilator which was great news but he has stopped breathing a couple of times which is very scary for his parents. They are exhausted, bless them. So I have been visiting when I can but I have had a cold for the last week and had to stay away :-(
Can't wait to see him again soon.

Isn't he gorgeous?

On band news. I might as well not have one.
Next subject?

I will spend the next week trying to catch up with you all. Hope you are all doing well.

Take care x

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Gilly's BYOC

1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favourite foods along. What do you bring?

Shephards pie (I love the beefy, mashed potato, cheesy yummyness of it. mmmm I could eat it right now if only the band would let me.

Full English breakfast. i.e eggs,bacon,sausage,baked beans, mushrooms,tomato's and bubble & squeak (thats mashed potato and left over greens fried!)

Ben & Jerry's phish food ice cream.

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

Who:Walt Disney. Why: I just love everything Disney
Who:Elvis, when he was hot! Why: He was hot! Plus I would tell him to lay off the drugs and cheeseburgers. I could introduce him to the band lol
Who:Ryan Reynolds Why: OMG have you seen him??????

3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

Sandy Devons lol sounds like a holiday destination.

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

tops of my legs, they look like pantyhose that need pulling up.
Smaller double chin.

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

Don't hate me but I don't believe in life after death so that would include ghosts or evil spirits. But that does not mean ghost stories don't scare me. The human brain is very good at scaring its self. So I am not sure about staying in a spooky house. I would probably be more scared of real people and zombies. ha ha I have a thing about zombies.

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?

Dark brown. I now dye it dark brown to cover the grey but it's basically always been the same colour apart from my purple stage????

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?


8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)

The colour purple. Its got everything. Laughs, tears, triumphs. I love it.

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

property TV shows, home improvement shows especially Extreme make over! Travel
shows, colouring in, mid day naps (especially good when there's housework to be done) and butter!

10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating??

58 yippee.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Hi everyone,

Hope you all had a great weekend. I am trying to relish as much of the good weather before Autumn sets in this week :-(

I had my second fill on Friday. If you have read my post about my first fill you will know it was not an easy process.

I have the mid band as shown above.

So firstly I was dreading meeting the dietitian as she had told me I had to lose 8lb before this visit and I hadn't. But she wasn't there and the surgeon was very pleased with my slow but steady progress. But he tells me he is only going to put in half a ml as he wants me to learn with the band and not let the band do all the work! WTF I have 3ml and NO restriction.

They x-rayed the port which looked fine. He then remembered that I had the last fill laying down so I had to spin around on the x-ray bed. (quite fun really). So he asks me "long needle or short needle?" I thought "in for a penny, in for a pound" so I opted for the long needle. He starts poking around and immediately has problems. Even the nurse said she could hear him hitting metal??? It was uncomfortable but not too bad. Several pokes later he tells me that his registrar fitted my band and must have flitted my port backwards. He was getting quite frustrated but not angry (he is a lovely guy). Then he sighs and says I can't do the fill.

So at this point I stepped in and explained that every morning I wake up with my port resting on the front of my ribs, I have a little feel and then guide it back under my ribcage. I can actually hold the whole thing in my hand and feel the membrane that he needs to poke the needle into. I ask him to let me demonstrate. He says OK and I grab the port and get it into position. I am not missing out on this fill aaarrggghhh.

He smiled and said "the patient is always right, I should listen more often, thank you for your assistance." Then he takes the port from me and gets the needle in first time. I did ask him if it would be better to fill it up as its SO awkward to get to ;-) but he said no. So then they stand me up with the tube handing out and I have to wait for the little xray guy to give me the nod and then drink the chalky liquid while they time how long it takes to go through the band. The cool thing is that I get to watch all this too.

I drank the first lot and he says "you have no restriction at all." No shit Sherlock! so he puts in 1 ml. I drink the second lot and it goes through really quickly so he puts in another 1 ml. The next drink takes 26 seconds to pass through and he seems happy with that. He said he could make it tighter (yes please) but wants the weight loss to be a slow process as it is better that way. Really? Oh well he knows best. I want it all to drop off by Christmas but what do I know? Anyway he tells me he is struggling to keep up with the fills as he has so many patients so in future rather than schedule fills by date he will contact each patient by letter or email and they have to fill in a questionnaire to determine if they need a fill or not. Sounds OK to me. But it means I have no idea when my next fill will be.

I intend to make this fill count. I know I was complacent last time and took liberties with the band, eating the wrong food, snacking, and eating too much so this time I have to make it work. Given the government cutbacks that are imminent I really am grateful that I got the band when I did because I know for a fact I would not have been approved now. I do not have any health issues that meet the new criteria and a BMI of 50 is not enough to get you approved now. So when I feel like cheating I think of all the people that need a band and can't get one. I hope this will keep me on the straight and narrow.

I have been on liquids since Friday, graduating to mushie dinner yesterday evening and a yogurt this morning. I can certainly feel the restriction now. My port site was quite sore for a couple of days but seems better now. My main problem is remembering to sip rather than gulp. I have become used to drinking normally and its such a sudden change it's hard to remember but the band soon reminds me.

So I am looking forward to some good weight loss this month. I started this month at 235 which is the same weight that I started the summer melt down at so NOT good. That means I have lost nothing all summer. In reality I have gained and lost, back to the yo yo really. But I determined to get under 200lb by Christmas. I am hoping weight watchers will help keep me on track.

I can't believe September has come around so quickly. I can imagine how excited all you BOOBS are getting! I am looking forward to hearing about how much fun you had and putting pennies away to be able to make the next gathering.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week,
Much love x

Monday, 30 August 2010

Another weekend has flown by. And this was a Bank Holiday three day weekend too. It's funny how they still seem to go so quickly even though I do not have a job to go to tomorrow???
I do have an interview at 3pm tomorrow for a production planning job so fingers crossed I will get through the first stage at least.

I have been cramming up on my buzz words and will make sure I include them in my answers. I actually quite enjoy interviews it's just the constant fear of testing that gets to me. Tomorrow's interview is with two women, not too sure how I feel about that yet? I will let you know when it's over.

I went to the zoo yesterday with Marcus and we just had a wander round (no kids) which was nice and relaxing. We had pizza and pasta buffet for lunch. I managed 1 slice of pizza and two fork fulls of pasta but I was hungry again 2 and a half hours later and ended up eating pick & mix sweets. Not too many though.

We came home and had a twilight marathon. I had only seen the first one so we watched the next two films back to back. I can't see the attraction myself which I assume can mean only one thing. I'm OLD lol.
That said I would definately be team Jacob. I might be old but I'm not blind.

It is about this time of year like everyone else I am mourning the end of summer and any good weather is to be savoured like the last piece of a delicious dessert. It rained on and off yesterday so we came home from the zoo early but this morning the sun was shinning and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I think the very strong wind had blown them all away. Anyhoo I decided to cycle to my sister's which is about 5 miles away. I went out quite early so the traffic wasn't too bad. I really enjoyed it and when I am riding my bike I feel like a kid again. It's all I can do to stop myself sticking my legs out as I coast downhill.

I visited with her and gave her the shawl that our Mum made for my daughters when she was alive. She really appreciated it.
Then I wateched some TV with her and her partner. They were watching "man vs Food" which is a US show about giant burgers, BBQ's and half roasted pigs. My mouth was watering SO much but I thought "I would still only manage about one bite". It did look delicious though. Then I had to cycle home. In my mind if felt like a chore but once I was on my bike it was wonderful. So I cycled just over 10 miles in total this morning. I can sure feel it in my legs. My sister lives up a hill too!

This week coming is going to be pretty busy with the interview, weight watchers, the gym, Zumba and a fill on Friday.

Friday, 27 August 2010

News update ... ... ... ... ... ...

I had my second weigh in at Weight Watchers and I lost a 1lb. I was amazed as I had been out to dinner twice and really thought I would gain weight. I was even sitting at home contemplating not going to the weigh in but I was so glad I did.

I know 1lb is not much but I have spent the last two and a half months faffing around and not losing anything so three pounds in two weeks is fantastic for me.

I have also upped the exercise this week, going to the gym more often and also increasing my workout to an hour and a half. Yesterday was hard work. I did 30 mins on the cross trainer, 20 mins on the stepper and 30 mins on the treadmill then headed to the sauna and steam room. Then in the evening I went to Zumba for an hour. Man alive I was shattered last night!
Today is a rest day.

In other news I am still hating not having a job. I mean really hating it. So I went to the job centre and they have offered to send me on a CV and interview course on the 6th of September. Sounds good but I don't want to be out of work that long.

Anyway while I was in the gym yesterday a guy called from a recruitment agency and said he has got me an interview for next Tuesday. Yay I am so excited. The job is a little further away than I wanted to travel and the money is a little less than I was previously on (well quite a bit less) but hey it's a job and I am earning nothing at the moment. I am being interviewed by two women so not too sure about that. First time for everything I suppose and this is only the first interview. My only concern is that the job is on a lower level than my previous job and both women are currently doing what I used to do so will they think I want to work my way up and will they be threatened by me? Laughable really as I have no self confidence so I don't think I threaten anyone but you never know.

They have narrowed the search down to me and one other guy so the odds are good.
I will spend the weekend learning about the company, the position and the location and fingers crossed all will go well on Tuesday. They also want to have the second interviews next week so things will move quickly.And just to make next week even more interesting I have my second fill on Friday.

Now I need some advice on this fill. It is only my second fill since I was banded on March 22nd. I am always hungry and when I eat it doesn't fill me up for long which is why I joined WW. But I still throw up all the time (about 4 or 5 times a week). Last night I came in from Zumba and had a small portion of spaghetti bolognaise. One mouth full went down painfully. Second mouth full and bang I hiccup then throw up. So I thought I would have a yogurt. 2 yogurts later I am still hungry so the munching began. I had a banana, a WW carrot cake and a small piece of Turkish delight., If my meal had gone down I would have been too full to snack. So you would think I had restriction right? But on other occasions I can eat pizza, roast dinner, and ever increasing portions in general.

I think I eat too fast and I am working on this but if I tell the doctor that I still throw up he will not do the fill. Help!!!!!

We have a new Government right now and since they came to power only a couple of months ago they have cut everything. They have stopped all hiring within the government and local councils so that has not helped the job market and they are getting rid of everyone on temporary contracts (this includes my eldest daughter). They have also cut the health budget and everything is being scrutinised. To the point where they have stopped drugs which prolong the lives of bowel cancer patients because they are too expensive.
This has lead to animosity for weight loss patients who are seen as wasting the governments money by requiring treatment for overeating. I watched a news programme this morning where they said the money should be saved for people who need operations for conditions brought on by no fault of their own. Weight loss patients have even received hate mail. So I am very aware that the chance of getting fills will decrease in the very near future. It has been four months since my last fill and I don't even know how many fills they will allow each patient. I need to take every opportunity to get a fill as this may be my last one.

But I am really grateful that I got banded when I did because I know it is going to be MUCH harder for anyone on the waiting list now. Knowing that is really helping me stick to my plan and keep on track. It's just so sad that governments are so short sighted. Don't get me wrong I don't think cancer drugs should be stopped in favor of weight loss surgery but losing the weight will reduce the risk of becoming a cancer patient in the future and while they are still performing breast enhancements on the NHS I refuse to feel guilty for having weight loss surgery. It seems the overweight patient is just an easy target.

Ok ranting over. Hope everyone is well and have a great weekend,
Much love x

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Watching the Weight Worked!!!

Yesterday was my first Weight Watchers weigh in. I lost 2lb!
I am so happy. I have really struggled with little or no restriction for quite a while now and I have tried to manage on my own but I didn't get this big because I was a great dieter.

I need to be accountable to someone other than just me. So even though the beginning of the first week didn't start well because we still had the boys and still ate junk, I must have made up for it in the last few days. The WW leader said if I can lose weight this week I can do it every week and she is right. I left the meeting feeling happy but a little guilty that I haven't told them about the band. (I am never going to tell them). Most people don't understand that the band is not "cheating" or that it doesn't do it all for you.

Even close friends have said to me "whats the point of joining WW? Does that mean the band doesn't work?" I feel that it is not a failure to need to go to WW with a band. I just need to have some guidance and get weighed every week. Most people don't understand that you can gain weight with the band and that it is not always as tight as it could be.

But one thing the band has taught me is not to worry about what other people think. This is my journey not theirs.

Other news. A good friend of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby girl yesterday morning. Baby Emma was 6lb 2oz.
Hopefully they will be home today. The sun is shinning and its a beautiful day to bring home baby. Congratulations Sue & Dan.

I am waiting for a call about a job so fingers crossed I will have an interview soon. Then I can really start to panic.

I read Amy W's post yesterday and was in awe of her achievement. She is a super star. People like Amy are a true inspiration to those of us starting this journey. Its so easy to feel like a failure if things are not going well in the beginning. But Amy has had highs and lows and like she says she continues to " fight the good fight". Look what 18 months of fighting have done. Well done Amy, WOW.

So I am off to see what Thursday brings. Hope you are all having a great week.

Ta Ta for now x

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Hello Tuesday.

Check me out two posts in as many days. WOW!

Last night I cycled to Zumba, worked up a hell of a sweat then cycled home. It's only about 10 minutes each way but I was super pleased with myself.

Other big news this week is that my sister had her scan yesterday and the baby is fine. It has all its fingers and toes and I can now stop calling it IT as she is expecting a baby boy!!!!! This is huge news in my family as my grandmother was an only girl, my mother was an only girl, she only had two daughters, me and my sister and I had two daughters. So a baby boy is something special. And as I am the only living family my sister has on her mothers side I am going to be Aunt and Grandmother all rolled into one. I cannot wait.

I am not sure how this weight watchers thing is going to work with the band because yesterday I struggled to get the minimum amount of points so had 4 cookies to get the number up. (it was such a chore lol) and that wasn't even taking into account that I threw up half of my lunch and gave the other half to DH. Sorry about the info but there it is. So do those points count?

Don't get me wrong I can eat. Boy can I eat. But it's difficult to know what counts and what doesn't if it doesn't all stay in there.
I wish I could change the fact that crap like cookies and crackers and chips go down so easily and things I enjoy like chicken and salad wont stay put. It's a learning curve I know.

I went to the recruitment agencies today and got a bit of a cold response. Nothing around at the moment it seems but they have said that August is the quietest month as so many people are on holiday. Apparently it should pick up in September. Can I stand it that long?????

I have a wedding to go to this weekend and I just found a brand new dress in my daughters wardrobe that is just the right size. What a result? I don't want to buy any new clothes and she doesn't mind lending it to me. It's all good.

So that's been my week so far. Not too shabby.
I have my weight watchers weigh in tomorrow evening and I am feeling really nervous. I had forgotten how it feels to go back to the weekly weigh in. I will blog even if it's bad, I promise.

Have a lovely evening.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Hello it's me!

I can't believe that I haven't blogged since the beginning of August!!!!!
I have been so busy and not had access to the laptop so it seems like ages since I was here. I am sorry to all my followers that I have left it so long. I know when I follow someone that rarely updates its disappointing to check in time after time and see nothing new so a BIG thank you for sticking with me.

So I finally left work. My last day was a little odd. I was glad to see the back of some people but still a little emotional about leaving the company. After all I have seen most of the people everyday for 10 years. My marriages didn't last that long! I sent an email to my customers and suppliers saying goodbye and got some very touching replies. I was really surprised at all the lovely comments and good wishes. I think that is what has made me the saddest, the fact that the relationships that took 10 years to build are now over in a flash.

Also I have now realised how much of my self worth is based on my job. There are parts of my life that I know are not shinning examples to anyone and could use vast improvement. There are also things which although you shouldn't be measured by, you invariably are. Such as owning your own home, that I have balanced with the fact that I had a good job. And now I don't have that job I feel quite lost.

I have taken 2 weeks off from the above as we usually have the boys for the first two weeks in August. We have been to theme parks, the zoo, the parks, shopping malls and they also ran a 5k while they were here. We are thoroughly exhausted! We drove them home on Saturday leaving at 6:30am and returning home at 5:30pm. Eleven hours in the car is not fun.

I have eaten nothing but junk for the last two weeks. Not massive amounts but junk none the less. So the weight loss is not going well. In fact it's not going at all. But that is just down to me not using the band and not planning properly. Being out every day for the last two weeks hasn't helped. Also I seem to have got to a point where I am quite comfortable and the initial incentive to get the weight off hasn't been as strong.

Any who on a plus side I am in a unique position. I am now in a place where I have to meet all new people. So I can turn back time and reverse decisions that I have previously regretted. I will explain. I have regretted telling everyone about the band because it made me feel uncomfortable and it was all anyone would talk to me about. So now when I get a new job I will have the chance to keep it to myself. Also all the new people will not be impressed with my 48lb weight loss (making me lazy about losing more) as they won't have known me heavier.

Example, I recently joined Zumba and the lady asked if I wanted to lose weight. Why yes I do. So now I have to make an effort to lose some weight because she does not know I already have.

I am due to have my second fill on September the 3rd. Yes it's only my second fill. I can't wait to get it as I really need some help right now. But they told me I have to lose 8lb by the time I get the fill. Yikes I think I have gained some weight since I was weighed at the hospital. So I sucked it up and joined Weight Watchers!!!!!!!
Again, they do not know that I have a band. They do not know I have lost 48lb and I'm not telling them. I need the incentive that they think I am only just starting out. I need the encouragement.

I feel really positive about the whole situation. How many people get a second chance so early on in the game. I get a restart.
It is going to be difficult not having a routine, not having structure in my day. Being around food all day will be hard. But I need to take this opportunity and use the time wisely. God knows I haven't used the money wisely. (that's a whole other story)

My weigh in day is Wednesday. I don't have much hope for this week as the boys didn't go home until Saturday but I will be happy if I lose one pound. And I have Zumba tonight and plenty of time to go to the gym. I also got my new bike which I will be riding to Zumba. Check me out.

So a few weeks ago I promised Draz I would do something positive. I think joining Weight Watchers and getting my bike is a good start. I am also trying to increase the fluid intake to 2 litres a day. And taking a leaf out of Draz's book by preparing as many of my meals in one go so they are ready when I am feeling weak. I even made enough soup for the week.

Onwards and upwards friends. I will catch up on all your news this week. No 1 daughter is away on holiday for a week so I am using her MAC. Who knows I may even post a VLOG by the end of the week lol.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

BYOC, I know its Sunday!!!!!

1. What is your favorite genre of movies? (comedy/romance/horror/action)

* I love movies. I watch anything really. I know what Draz means about weepies though. I still think about The Notebook. I cried SO much. I like horrors less as I am getting older, why is that? But i like something with a twist. At the moment I am waiting to see Toy Story 3 and Inception. The boys went to see the A Team tonight but I passed on that.

2. What do you order when you eat Chinese food?

* I can't really eat chinese food now. It's weird, crud like cookies and chips go down ok but any takeout food gets stuck. I think its because I still shovel it in just like the old days. But if I was to order chinese food I would have crispy duck and pancakes, and sweet & sour chicken balls but I wouldn't eat the outside cos I don't like batter. So its just chicken really lol. Oh and noodles!

3. Okay no one kill me for this one - and don't answer if you don't want to BUT I just saw some preview for Dr. Phil on swingers and I wondered - what's your take on swingers.....for it, against it, do it, would never do it, etc.?

* Swinging is not for me. I can think of nothing worse than seeing strangers naked then bumping into them in the supermarket. Sex is too personal for me. Plus I would not want to see the disappointed look on the poor guys face who got stuck with me.
But each to his or her own. I just prefer to leave that stuff to fantasy. But I LOVE Dr Phil even though I think he would get on my nerves when TOM was visiting. I am the only person that can be right then. Can you imagine his face if he caught me eating straight from the fridge?

4. Let's go back to a repeat question. Pick one thing you'll do one next week that is for your physical/mental health.

* Do you know what, I will stick to some sort of eating plan. I have been mega bad. I might get my face out of the duvet long enough to blog about it but don't hold your breath. I will do SOMETHING positive, promise.

5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

* I have to be honest and say this is the first day I have read any but even if it was not it would still be Grace's rant re Tiff.
She has such a way with words and I read her post and imagined myself jumping up and down cheering in the background. She has done so bloody well and she puts me to shame.

Link to Grace

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Stuff & junk

I have not been very focused of late. Not focused on finding work, working with the band, blogging, exercise I could go on. The list is endless.

Now usually this would lead me into a line of thought that I am hopeless and will never succeed but I have had something of a revelation. This is how I deal with stress. I avoid it. I don't face the problem head on until I can either actually "do" something about it or it becomes too big to ignore.

This is big news for me because I am not beating myself up about my failings I am simply acknowledging them and trying to find an answer. This my friends is all thanks to reading your bloggs and realizing that other people have failings too and everyone else's life is not perfect. How did it take me 44 years to realize that?

So to specifics! I talk and walk in my sleep. I usually only do this when I am very stressed. I haven't done it in a while but its started again with avengence. Apparently last night I sat bolt upright in bed and shouted "Oh my god!" Then looked at Marcus (he was awake by now) and told him "don't move" over and over. I then looked in the bed for something and then lay ed down and went back to sleep?????????
Its a good job he 1. loves me and 2. is used to this.

I also sleep eat. Well I am more awake than the sleep talking but not enough to reason with myself and stop myself. Last night I also ate three slices of strawberry flan!!!!! So being good during the day is one thing but then I go and sabotage myself and I'm not even awake enough to enjoy it.

I know the stress it all about losing my job at the end of July. I don't do well with change and because this change is being forced on me it is even worse. In my waking hours I am dealing with everything by avoiding the problem so maybe that's why its coming out in the night? I am going to have to take some positive steps and use the waking hours to solve some problems.

I also learned something else this weekend. I read Draz's blog and cannot believe she is shy as she is so vivacious but I am also someone that people would not say is shy but I secretly am. I have been called confident and outgoing twice this week BUT we got a surprise bonus from work to say "thank you" for all our extra effort and at a push it would be enough money to get me to Chicago. So I checked out the flights and did the math secretly knowing I could not go as I am too scared. I really want to go. I ache to go but the fear of meeting everyone, travelling alone, spending money on non essentials when we are both out of work is crippling me. I know you would all be super nice but it's not in me to be able to make it just yet. It took a lot for me to admit that. Draz you know how that feels.

Anyway on the plus side I am finally admitting that shit happens and it's not always because I am a rubbish person. Yay me. Think of all the things I have survived and come out stronger from. 2 marriages for one thing. I know things will work out somehow its just the unknown that is scaring the pants off me right now.

On the weight loss. I have always been a self saboteur and as soon as people start to say "oh you look great, are you losing weight?" I start to cheat and stop losing. I think this is happening now. I know I want to be thinner but compared to how I felt three and a half months ago this feels good and I am kind of stuck here not truly believing that I can lose anymore weight. I have been stuck at 231 for 4 weeks and when I say stuck I mean kind of sticking myself. Example: Yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was 228lb which felt great. So my little belly said "wow you have done well, its weigh in day on Sunday you could lose another pound by then, well done" but my big belly said " you have people over and yummy food available, you could have a good old munch and still have lost a pound from last week. Go on enjoy yourself" no prizes for guessing which voice I listened too. Why am I scared to succeed? That's a question for another day.

On a side note (sorry for rambling but I did say I wasn't focused) I saw someone I knew at the gym the other day and she said "wow you have lost weight, is it just from coming to the gym?" me being honest Abe said "no I had a band" to which she replied "you cheater". Well usually this would have pee'd me off and even though it is nearly TOM I didn't feel the urge to stand on her throat. Where did this serenity come from lol. I just thought "you are so insignificant in my life that your opinion has no value to me" Check me out!!!!!!

Other news, I went to Zumba last week for the first time and LOVED it. I am going to become a devotee. Also I had 3 girlfriends round for lunch yesterday and we had a lovely day. Two were pregnant and one brought her 5 month old baby. It was great. And my sister is 17 weeks and still fine. Yippee.

Oh and did I mention the sun is shinning and that always makes me happy?
And just in case you are interested I have decided that with my bonus I will have a small splurge and buy myself a bike. A proper ladies town and country bike a bit like the one in the photo but not quite the same as this one costs £600 and that's too expensive. Isn't it beautiful?

No one mention the evil Aunt in The Wizard of Oz!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 16 July 2010

BYOC :-)

1. Because I’m going hardcore on Monday to lose my last 15 before vacation I’m curious….what’s the oddest diet you have tried? Or which ones have you tried and were any successful?

• I have honestly tried everything! The cabbage soup diet, the only eating food of the same colour each day, WW, Slimming World, The Cambridge Diet, Lighter Life,Atkins, the Hay diet, Dr Phil's diet I could go on but this would be a very long post. My dietitian said there was nothing she could tell me about nutrition. Its very sad really :-(

2. Do you prefer baths or showers?

• I prefer showers but at the moment we only have a bath. We are getting a shower soon :-) But I bath in the morning and sometimes its so nice just to sink into it. I am one of those people that get in get washed and get out so baths are wasted on me unlike Marcus who hogs the bath for at least an hour at a time.

3. What is your favorite breakfast food?

• Bacon sandwiches made with white bread yum yum yum.

4. What’s your least favorite word?

• I don't like the c word but really any word said hurtfully enough is horrible. I bet enough of us hate the word fat or failure.

5. Repeat question…make someone a Superstar for a day! Whose blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week and why?

* Grace got to me again when she was feeling so down, I’m happy Steph got so many comments on her brother/mother blog and TessieRose’s blog was heartbreaking….I have to agree with Draz this week. Big hugs to all xxx

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Well that showed me, again.

My last post was about my weekend away visiting Marcus's sons and all about how much I was dreading it. Not seeing the boys but the whole ex wife situation.

Well sometimes life takes you by surprise and teaches you to not think you are so clever next time. Getting the boys was a pleasure as usual and they looked so healthy and well.

We ate in the hotel restaurant on Friday night and it was lovely. The food was OK, nothing special. I had chilli con carne and only ate the meat so that wasn't too bad. The glass of wine before dinner was a mistake as it went straight to my head but we had a very relaxing pleasurable evening.

We could not stay for breakfast in the hotel on Saturday as we had to leave for the football tournament by 8am so we stopped in at MacDonald's on the way and I had porridge. It was yummy.

The football tournament was in Redcar. We drove to the playing fields which were very open and surrounded by open countryside and mountains in the distance (very picturesque) and on the other side of the road was Redcar beach. I have stayed in Redcar before and remember it as a horrible stony beach but to my surprise that beach was a mile and a half up the shore. The part where we were was stunning. Long flat sands with a gorgeous view. The weather was beautiful. Really hot and sunny but with a cooling breeze. Marcus's son wasn't in every game so when he was resting we walked up and down the beach and even had a paddle.

Then we took Marcus's youngest son (13) and his half brother (4) for a walk to the sea front where they have amusement arcades and fish & chip shops. That was a 3 mile round trip on the beach and we got the best chips I have ever eaten! I only managed half a portion so Marcus reaped the benefits.

No 1 son's team reached the final and lost 1-nil. They played really well and picked up a nice medal. We finally left the playing fields at 8:30pm very tired and a little sun burnt.

We went to Pizza Hutt for dinner, very late, about 10pm and I had salad and one slice of pizza, no crust. So food wise it wasn't a bad day really when you also factor in all the walking.

On Sunday morning we had hotel breakfast, I had porridge again and then we took the boys home :-( always a sad moment but not too bad this time as we will be picking them up at the end of July for their two week stay.

On the 5 hour car journey home I did some water colouring. I like to colour Magnolia stamps. And this made the journey fly by.

When we got home the girls had cleaned the flat and prepared a beautiful roast lamb dinner. My sister and my very pregnant friend were both coming for dinner and we had a lovely meal.

I know this is a long post but I have to tell you this story. I live in a second floor flat and its impossible to get a window cleaner, they wont climb up that far. Anyway while dinner was cooking two guys knocked and said do I want a window cleaner? I jumped at the offer and asked when they would be coming. They said half an hour! So we all sat at the dinner table in the kitchen with the new window cleaner doing the windows lol. He really did a good job then he knocked on the window and said " sorry but I have to tell you your dinner smells wonderful" the guy in charge shouted up "what are you doing?" and he says "just talking to them" It was a very surreal situation and I am glad everyone found it as funny as me.

So as well as a wonderful weekend, a gorgeous meal and lovely company I also got clean windows. It doesn't get much better than that. And I had such low expectations of the whole thing.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

BYOC better late than never x

1. Love or money? High salary or job satisfaction?

* Always love but money would sure be nice. Job satisfaction but again financial recognition would be great too. Life is hard without money but even harder without love. And you can't buy love so money on its own wouldn't work either. It's nice to recognise this once in a while especially when you are struggling financially.

2. What is your favorite time of day?

* I love the sky so my best times of day are dawn and dusk but any spectacular sky makes me happy. I love just before its completely dark and the sky has that vibrant dark blue colour and the last remnants of the day are departing, I love the nights when the moon is full and the autumn clouds are racing across the sky and I love September days when the weather is turning colder but you sometimes get a really warm clear day that reminds you of the summer.

3. My in-laws just had their wills done so it made me wonder this. Do you have a will? Did you tell anyone your wish to be kept alive or not?

* I don't have a will but my "kids" are 18 and 23 so I don't have to think about leaving them to anyone. My sister would watch over them. Everyone that loves me knows I don't want to live on a machine given the choice it's pull the plug and donate everything except my eyes. (cant explain why not the eyes its just a personal thing)

4. Repeat question. Pick one thing for one day you'll do next week that aids in your physical or mental health.

* I am going to have to say that I am not going to set any goals this week because every time I do I just break them and hate myself. So I am going to work on just getting through the week hopefully at least 2lb lighter. I will do as much as possible to make this happen but no specific goals.

5. Repeat questions. Make someone a superstar for a moment...whose comment or blog stuck with you this week and why.

* Grace & Stephanie this week. Both for very different reasons but both struck a cord. "hugs" to both x

Friday, 2 July 2010

Another weekend away!!!!!

I am not super rich, far from it but Marcus's sons live in Middlesborough which is in the north of England and we live in the South of England so we try to see them about 5 times a year.

We have them for a week at Christmas, a week at Easter, two weeks in August and then we try to fit in a couple of weekends in between. We booked this weekend when we thought we were finishing work this month and then our jobs got extended for another month.

It costs us between £350 to £450 each time we come up here and more obviously when they come to stay so its something we have to budget for.
They used to live just around the corner from us but then Marcus's ex wife met someone from the North and moved here. This means we have to bear all the costs to see the boys and its not always easy. Its especially hard thinking we may be out of work for any length of time because for me its hard but for Marcus it means he doesn't get to see his sons and they are very close. They are 13 & 15.

They are very into sport and his oldest son wants to teach sport in the future so we have to organise trips around sporting fixtures. We thought this weekend would be fine as there was nothing on the list and the football season is finished then last week No1 son was told he had a tournament that he had to attend.

This means we drove 248miles which took 6 and a half hours (because of traffic) to spend the weekend watching football. And with the world cup still on its constantly on the TV too. Then when we got here Marcus told me his ex wife would be there too! Now it's not that we don't speak but I can think of a million and one things I would rather do than spend the whole day watching football with the ex wife (who does not really like me). I am trying not to be selfish but I really want to sulk.

I know how important it is to him and I love seeing the boys too. But I would have rather spent £450 doing something we could all enjoy.

Anywho I am in the hotel with the football on the TV catching up with blogs and trying to make the best of it. And I will miss another weigh in! I will have to do it on Monday again.


Seeing that it’s a patriotic holiday of sorts I thought of this one: Where were you on September 11th?

• I have a terrible memory so I am not 100% sure of the where and when but I know I was stopped in my tracks and had a feeling of total disbelief. Even watching it on the news didnt seem real. I think the most heartbreacking site was the people that jumped from the top floors holding hands. I could not contemplate that decision.
I also remember feeling that the world had changed forever on that day.

2. What is your idea of fun? If given the chance to skip work/life for an entire day, what would you do? (assume you’d be by yourself)

• If I could do anything I would start the day with a hot air balloon ride over Orlando. Then I would do a whistle stop tour of all the best rides and go to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch. Then I would spend the afternoon on the beach in the Florida Keys followed by Circ de Soleil then an evening of cocktails by the pool in my own villa. Obviously it would be a long day with some time travel involved and lots of money.
But if I had to be sort of real about this great day I would sleep till 7:30am (thats late for me) go for a swim, then go to the beach or lay on a swing bed in a beautiful garden. (I have neither of these things)read a good book, catch up on blogs,watch chick flicks and relax. I love my own company.

3. Suggestion from a follower. Some blog questions.

How many blogs do you follow? 105 wow I just counted. Thankfully not everyone blogs everyday or I would never keep up.

Do you read them all or just your faves? I read almost every one that comes up in my Dashboard.

Do you comment a little, a lot, on all? I like to leave at least a small comment to to show that I am reading their blog. Everyone likes a bit of feedback.

Have you ever unfollowed someone because of something they said or you didn’t like their blog? Not yet but I am considering it.

Do you routinely unfollow and why? I havent got round to that yet but there are a couple that I totally have nothing in common with that I may unfollow in future. But I feel so mean doing it. Maybe I wont.

4. Repeat question. Pick one day and one healthy thing you’ll do for just that day next week.

I will listen to my hypo cd for confidence at least 3 times this week. I will also drink drink drink water.

5. Repeat "Make someone a superstar" question. Whose blog or blog comment stuck with you this week and why?

Monday, 28 June 2010

I heart the band!

I didnt think I would ever say that but there it is.
The scrapbook club I belong to go away four times a year to an old country house where we do nothing but craft and eat and chat and laugh.

We go on Friday afternoon and stay until Sunday afternoon. You get three 2 course meals a day with coffee and cake inbetween each meal! Honestly in the past I would gain at least 7lb on these weekends.

The last time I went was right after surgery so I wasnt eating solids at all. This was my first weekend eating normally. I just took it easy and ate what I could. I did feel like people were watching me but they are all my friends so it wasnt uncomfortable. The only problem I had was with Sunday lunch. Roast beef, yorkshire pudding and all the trimmings. I dont eat yorkshire puddings anyway so I gave that away. I actually only ate 1 slice of beef, 2 small roast potatos and a spoonfull of carrots but I got stuck and PB'ed. That left room for dessert! Which was a lovely buttery peach thing with cream. Dont worry I only had a spoonfull.

But I heart the band because I still lost 1/4 of a pound. Not much I know but NO GAIN!!!!!!! I could not imagine going on one of these weekends and not gaining weight. It's a whole new experience for me and I love it.

Now I have to get back into the exercise as I have seriously let this slip for the past two weeks. The weather has been really hot and its very tiring but thats no excuse because you all deal with much hotter weather than me and still exercise. Back to the gym tonight!

Tomorrow is my BYOC challenge day so lots of drinking and gym and I am quite looking forward to it.

Have a good week everyone x
Much love xxx

Friday, 25 June 2010

BYOC !check me out" on a Friday too!!!!!!

1. This comes from my post yesterday about me bragging that I can still wear the same earrings I wore in high school….got me to wondering…how many piercings do you have? (the ones you can tell us about anyway – *wink wink)

I have 6. 3 in each ear but I only use one set now I have "grown up" snigger :-)

2. I’m asking this one because I’m getting another tattoo soon…and even have plans to get one of a lizard – my little Draz – because this blog and you all have become a major part of my life. Anywhoozle – how many tattoos do you have? If you have none and wanted to get one – what would it be?

I have one. On my left hip. I caught a glimpse of it the other day and had even forgotten it was there! That's what gaining 70lb will do for you. Anyway my tat is a chinese symbol which means "together" and it has an M next to it for Marcus. I know it means together because I got it from a chinese dictionary so I am not one of these people with a tat that they think says "I love you Mum" but actually says "chicken fried rice",

3. If you’ve ever suffered from a weight-loss plateau, what’s your best advice to get past it?

1. sob hysterically – like the kind where snot runs out of your nose onto your shirt…you know, pretty crying
2. suck your thumb
3. throw a tantrum
4. curse the fat Gods
5. eat 16 twinkies
6. rinse and repeat

I cant top that answer from Draz because thats exactly what I would do!

4. This is a repeat. I liked last week’s challenge for BYOC and I saw a lot of people this week follow through on the promise they made last week. You pick one thing for just one day next week that you want to do….and mentally doing it for the one day can totally jump start more successes. And I feel like I can do anything for just one day.
What will you do for just one day in your quest towards health?

Last week I didnt do too well keeping my challenge so this week I am going to be more realistic. I am also choosing Wednesday and I will drink 2 litres of liquid and go to the gym (no matter what!)

5. Repeat *make someone a Superstar* question – what's your favorite blog or comment of the week?

Band Babe has captured my interest this week. She is amazing and has done SO well! I am always shocked by her honesty but love her to pieces.
And Draz's med post also struck a nerve with me and many others.
All in all it's been an interesting week. I have had time to keep up with everyone because work is so slow and I have enjoyed sharing your week. Thank you x

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Are you following me?????

I just found out that I have several new followers. If you are following me and I am not following you please comment and leave me the name of your blog so I can follow you too. Thanks for reading; I appreciate your interest and hope I can be of help to you at some point.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Why does chicken hate me??????

Since I went to the doctors on Friday and found out I wont be getting a fill until September I have gone a little nuts. My food choices have been horrible and I have stopped logging everything down. This is a scary slippery slope which I am not one hundred percent sure why I have chosen. I was feeling pretty positive after the appointment. Confused now.

Each day I have started with the right attitude but it hasn't even lasted until 10:30am. So tomorrow will be another new start. I am not going to be beaten!!!!
Wish me luck.

I have kept my promise from BYOC and started to pack an afternoon snack which has kept me away from the bread when I got home.

But I haven't been great about the gym as TOM is here and I feel really drained. I will keep trying though. That's all I can really promise.

But regarding the title, everytime I choose a healthy meal that includes chicken, I am sick. Tonight I had chicken cooked in tomato sauce with garlic and onion and pasta. It was low calorie and delicious but after one piece of chicken I was sick. No wonder I am choosing easy foods :-(

I found out this week that some of my friends consider me to ba a fairly negative person! I can honestly say I was shocked. I have always considered myself upbeat, enthusiastic and positive. And I always thought "everything will be great when I finally lose weight". What a shock to find out I am a misery. I read my blog and I think they might be right.

The conversation started because they were discussing my weight loss and said I didn't sound pleased. But I find it very hard to take a compliment and I was always told growing up not to show off so I don't want to be in people's faces about losing weight. I can tell you I am very pleased with myself and love all the changes that are going on in my life. Plus because both my daughters are big I feel guilty about making a big thing of it.
So task for this week is to stay positive and try to show other people that I am very happy, honest!

Oh and I have an update regarding the interview faux pas last week. I emailed the guy yesterday with the correct information and he emailed back today to say my details have been passed to the employer and that he would be in touch by the end of the week so fingers crossed ;-)
Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement, they really helped x

On other news my one and only sister is pregnant. This is huge news because she said she never wanted to have children then she had a miscarriage earlier this year. It was right after she had told everyone so she then had to tell everyone that she had lost the baby. It was really tough. We come from a very small family. My grandmother was an only child and my mother was an only child then there was just me and my sister. Both our parents are dead so its just us.

She is 13 weeks now but has had some problems because she has a heart shaped uterus. But at least they know what to watch out for this time. I am trying not to get too excited but I am beside myself with happiness. I cannot wait to be an Auntie.
And the baby is due on what would have been my grandfathers 100th birthday, how weird is that? Hope its a good omen.

See I have lots to be positive about!

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Summer Challenge: Week 2

This weeks weigh in. YAY! Down 3 pounds, how's everyone else doing?

Saturday, 19 June 2010

More fears than you can throw a stick at!

OK I just completed Draz's BYOC and started to read everyone else's.
Now I have the beginning's of a panic attack!!!!

I didnt consider getting drunk and making a show of myself.
Or any of the other new fears I am reading and the stupid part is I'm not even going. Which has now made me realise my biggest fear. So I would like to change my answer to this BYOC question.

My biggest fear is that you will all have a fantastic time and not bother with the other bloggers that could'nt go :-(

Now I know that you are all wonderful people that would never be so cold but who said fears were rational?


If your heart had a singing voice, whose would it be?

MMM this made me think. I had to laugh too because after listening to my heart it sounded like a Disney princess lol

2. What is your most disgusting habit?

Hmm...I think if you asked my husband this he would say not covering my mouth when I sneeze. To be fair I am usually more concerned with crossing my legs and not peeing myself plus there is NEVER any snot.

3. Carmen and I were talking about Chicago and our fears...for those of you going (and those of you not you can answer as if you were going)...what is your biggest fear?

Well I'm not going unless the lottery decides to be kind before then :-(
But mine is travelling alone and that no one would like me. That everyone will click and go off in groups and that I would be left in my room.

4. This isn't so much a question but a challenge. Name one thing you will do for just one day next week in the name of health and commit to it on your blog and to us.

I'm going to go to the gym at least 3 times. And I am going to plan and weigh my food and include a snack for mid afternoon because lately I have not eaten between lunch and the time I get home which means I am hungry when I get in and start grazing. NOT GOOD. So plan plan plan.

5. Whose blog or comment stuck with you the most this week?

Debi post
Her and Walt have a big week and I think anyone who is going through this journey and dealing with other big life challenges needs support. Plus Debi always finds time to update her blog and encourage other bloggers by introducing them to everyone else.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Why you shouldn't lie.

Today was my Friday off work so I made an appointment to see my dietitian.
I was hoping that as she was training to do fills the last time I saw her she would be able to give me a fill today. Or at least some advice on how to speed up my weight loss.

She weighed me and was very pleased that I had lost 15lb in 7 weeks. Their scales made me 4lb lighter than the one's at home????? But I'm sticking to mine as they are what I weigh myself on every week.
She was surprised that I wasn't over the moon with this weight loss. Almost like she thought it was going to be a surprise for me! I'm sure these doctors think you don't weigh yourself at home? I had only just read Graces post where she lost 15lb in 1 month so I wasn't impressed.

I told her I can eat almost anything and that my portions were getting bigger and I wasn't staying full for more than a couple of hours (all things that indicate I need a fill) and she said this was how I was going to feel for the rest of my life. I was always going to need will power so this period between fills was good practice. She thinks I still have SOME restriction and has booked me in for a fill (wait for it)..... on the 3rd of September!!!!!

That seems like a long way off. She said the clinic was fully booked until then. And even if it wasn't she didn't think I needed a fill just yet.

We talked about diet and exercise and she asked me how many times I exercise a week. I said at least 3 times a week which wasn't a big lie. Most times its that much but the last 2 weeks its been less. Her advice was to increase the exercise to 5 times a week! I know she is right but its not easy staying motivated.

Anyway even though I didn't get the news I was hoping for I left her office in a very positive mood. Oh and she also said I have to lose at least 8lb before I go back which is a pound a week. She said I should be able to lose at least a pound a week. I am hoping for a bit more but I am going to give it a go.

When I got home there was a message on my machine about a job I had applied for. I was petrified. I called the number back and it was a recruiting agency. The guy wanted to do a ten minute telephone interview aaarrrggghhhh!

30 minutes later he said he was happy to put me forward for the position subject to receiving my certificates and identification paperwork. So here's the problem I bolstered my CV by saying I had a HNC in Business Studies but I only finished the first year because my Mum got cancer and died the following year. So I don't have the full certificate plus he asked me what level six sigma training I had and I said Green when I only have Yellow. It wasn't a proper lie I just couldn't remember which one I had. So now I have to contact him on Monday and tell him the truth. There goes that interview. And it was for a local company too.

I honestly cannot explain how stressed job hunting makes me. I have a real phobia and I am working myself up into a panic. Everyone tells me I will be fine and that just makes me feel worse. At the end of the 30 minute interview the guy said I sounded like a very confident, intelligent woman and he enjoyed talking to me so why do I feel so stressed??? I really wish I could control this.

I have to point out I never lie, not ever. It is just the way I am. It doesn't always do me good but I cant help it. So the only time I broke that rule I get caught out. Bloody typical.

If you read to the end of this post it might sound a bit negative. And looking at most of my posts lately they all look like moaning but I am just not that great at explaining how I feel. I am feeling very positive today and upbeat.

The doctor was pleased and I got a call back at least. Two good things!
The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend and I already have my lottery tickets. What more could I want?

As I live in the UK I am forced to join in the football frenzy that is going on at the moment. There is another England match tonight "come on England" so I have hung out my flag and bought some flags for the car.
I thought we played really well last week against the Americans. One mistake is all it took so fingers crossed that tonight they can avoid any more.
The only thing driving me mad is the sound of the Vuvuzelas!

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Just checking in.

Hi everyone, just thought I would check in.
Emotional eating, don't ask. Horrible week.
Need a fill, quick. Seeing the Dr on Friday but not sure if they will do a fill. Fingers crossed.
Just got laptop working again so I am catching up on the bloggs.

Much love

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Summer Challnege

Hey everyone,

Here's my week one weigh in for the Summer Challenge. Off to a flying start, only a pound down but at least heading in the right direction!

Hope everyone else is doing great!

Saturday, 12 June 2010


1. What was your first pet?

• The first pet I can remember was a dog (mutt) called Sandy but we always had pets even though we had no money. I brought my kids up with pets around too. We have had birds, fish, turtles, dogs, cats, hamsters, rabbits etc etc. But now I am with Marcus and he is not very pet friendly. He always thinks of the practical stuff. I REALLY want a dog but he says no because we work full time. I know he is right but I want one like I wanted babies. Anyway he finally gave in a little and let me have a parrot. I know nothing like a dog! So we got this rescue bird and she is a total pain in the arse which only reinforces his no pets rule. She screeches all evening disturbing his TV (ha ha) which means I am going to have to work a lot harder to get a dog aaarrrggghhh.

2. When did you lose your virginity? (Okay – before you throw stones and break out the holy water – first of all – this is not my question. It came from a follower and I obliged cuz I like it…so there.) Obviously don’t answer if this is too personal…..but don’t hate me for putting it out there.

• So this is where I am trusting you to be non judgmental wonderful blog friends and not think badly of me. I was 14 and a half. I didn’t have much love from my family. Two alcoholic parents. So I thought if I gave it up someone would love me. Yeah that worked out great ha ha ha

3 & 4 – I’m combining these two cuz this answer could be long. A follower (thanks Steph) asked if I could ask what a daily meal plan looks like for each of you – out of curiosity and out of possibly learning new foods to try.

I try to eat the following:
1 weetabix 5:30am
1 yogurt 10:30am
WW soup 1:00pm
small portion of family dinner usually pasta or chicken & veg 5:30pm

Usually the first part of the day works but the evening is a bit hit and miss of late :-(

5. Repeat question: What blog or blog comment stayed with you or stuck with you the most this week and why?

Hide and seek from Draz x

Thursday, 10 June 2010


Today I am really angry! And Aunt Flo is not due for 2 weeks so its not her fault.
To make this easier to explain I will list my gripes.

1. Why when DH gets a new item (just got new cable box but it could be anything from a cell phone to a DVD) do I have to pick up all the crap that comes with it? Instruction books, packaging, cable ties etc. They get spread far and wide as can be in this pokey little flat and then just left. How inconsiderate is that! "Dont worry about all these little plastic bits some mug will pick them up" AAArrrggghhh.

2. DH calls from work to "chat" and wonders why I am in a pissy mood! Now I know he is working to get some extra cash but we work at the same place so I know its not hard. And if he wasnt so lazy I would be able to keep on top of this mess.

3. There are four adults in this flat so when was the vote taken to make all the cleaning my responsibilty? If I make a mess (and I do) I expect to clean it up, why dont they????

4. The power lead to my laptop is broken so I am typing with one hand and holding it in with the other. Work bought the laptop 2 years ago instead of me getting a pay rise. DH said they should buy the new lead which wouldnt be difficult as I am the only purchaser now so why is the rightious part of me saying that is wrong and still struggling with the broken lead?

I should give you a little background on work. I have been there for 10 years DH has been there for 4 years. I am his boss. This was fine when I had a director above me because DH respected his authority but the director was laid off last September. Sine then I feel DH has undermined my authority because he knows I dont like my new boss. This has made working together really hard. We are both losing our jobs in six weeks and not only that but the company we work for is closing down.

It has been left to me and 3 others in my team all of who are losing their jobs to close up the company. So not only do I have DH questioning every decision I make but I have a totally unmotivated team to work with.

I really appreciate how they all feel as we have been treated badly buy I can't change the way I work. Also I spent all day yesterday answering the phone to iriate customers who are fed up with the service they are getting from the team who are keeping their jobs and relocating to the new office. Its so demoralising.

Anyway I have had a little cry while writing this and feel a little better but not much. But maybe the whole work thing is why I am so angry. My worst trait is that I think the world should be fair and I find it hard to deal with when its not.

Anyway on a band related topic this week has been pants! I wanted to stay away from slider foods this week but I got a mouth infection, very sore gums, and so have had to stick to soft food and soup. Not very good at keeping me full but at least they went down. And having a sore mouth all week has made me really fed up. I don't go to the Doctor's because they will give me antibiotics which give me thrush. So I am no better off. :-(

So sorry to whinge I have to stop now because I could go on. Thanks for reading and sticking with me. I am off for another cry now.

Much love xxxx

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Hot Summer Meltdown!

Day one of Hot Summer Meltdown. The scale says 235.6 I think the flash makes it look like 2356 ha ha. I need this challenge SO badly. I was thinking of giving in and joining Weight Watchers or something and along came the challenge. So it saved me from the dreaded diet club.

I can't say I have been great today but I did burn 650cals at the gym so not too shabby. I am looking forward to getting back to work and back to a routine. It's very sad I know. But this weekend was my long weekend off (Fri, Sat Sun) and we went to a Theme park yesterday which meant rubbish food and ice cream but lots of walking.

I have been catching up on posts today and I am very worried about pouch stretching and portion control. It's something I will be watching this week.

I called my Dr's office and made an appointment for the 18th of June to discuss my food choices and maybe a fill. I don't really know if my slow weight loss is because of what I am eating or how much I can eat so I am going to monitor it for the next two weeks and see if that makes a difference.

The other thing on my mind is the fact that I can lie down and flip my port over very easily. They had trouble filling it last time because it was the wrong way round so I am going to ask if it is normal to be able to flip it over. I know from reading posts that most people in the USA have their ports stitched in place so I guess they don't flip?????

Anyhoo I am really in a positive mood and ready for the challenge.
Good luck everyone and much love x

BYOC better late than ever!

1. If you could live anywhere in the world - where would it be and why?

* Florida. No question! I love it. I love the people, the weather, the pace of life, the diversity. I just love it. Now to find a way to fund this dream ........

2. How old were you when you got drunk for the 1st time?

* I am a little ashamed to say I was 13. I drank Babycham a sort of very sweet sparking wine and boy was I sick!

3. What was your favorite toy growing up?

* We were poor too and I can't really remember any particular toy of note. I do remember that I wasn't allowed to have a Barbie (not sure why) anyway as a result my first daughter had over 150. I used to sit and brush their hair and dress them up while she was at school then she would come home and change all the clothes and mix everything up which used to drive me crazy.

4. What's your favorite season and why?

* I absolutely HATE winter not so much for the cold but for the dark mornings and dark evenings. I really believe I suffer from S.A.D and this year I am going to get a UVA light to try to combat the effects. But that said although I LOVE summer for the obvious sunshine my favorite month is September because: We get beautiful clear skies, fresh mornings, dramatic clouds and if we get a really nice warm day it feels like a parting gift before the Autumn really sets in. Also whenever I have been to Florida its been in October so September is my get excited month where I look up at planes in the sky and think "that will be me soon sigh"

5. Repeat question....which blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week?

* Anything Grace has said. She has really been in my thoughts this week.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Tribute to Blog Land

Hi everyone x
I caught up with this week's posts yesterday and today and had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to get this down.

I know it sometimes looks like we gush compliments and lovely things to each other all the time and that's all we do but its SO much more. And I know you all know this but sometimes someone has to say it out loud as it were.

I have never had anyone in my life that is so accepting and supportive as my blog friends. Let me clarify. I had a BFF for 19 years. We were fantastic friends and when she split from her husband she moved in with me for 6 months even sharing my bed (my DH worked nights at the time) We spent many hours talking the night away. I thought she was a kindred spirit.

Anyway my marriage ended but because of financial issues I still lived with my ex. I met Marcus and so building a new relationship was very difficult while still living with the ex. But we made it work.Then my mum started to be really funny with me and my grandmother stopped talking to me and I didn't know why.

When my grandmother died I found out that my BFF had been to my mums and told her loads of lies about me and Marcus which my mum had told my grandmother. My grandmother being very disapproving cut me out of her will and stopped talking to me.
So I lost the last few years with my grandmother because of a bunch of lies and all the while my BFF was still enjoying my company as if nothing had happened.
I felt so betrayed. I can honestly say nothing in my life has hurt me more than this and I have been divorced twice! I was destroyed and although I have friends now I have never been that close with anyone. Marcus is my best friend now and my soul mate. Corny but true.

Anyway I digress. The posts this week have talked about money problems, depression, relationship problems, etc etc all subjects that have some sort of social shame attached to them. Subjects that we usually keep to ourselves for fear of being judged. But you all share knowing that none of us will judge. We will offer support, a shoulder to cry on, advice and acceptance. How great is that?

I have been coy to share things in my life because I want to be liked and accepted but I don't feel that way anymore. Your comments of support this week have showed me that you would not judge.

I can't tell you how much that means to me. My DH is fantastic but even he does not understand the unique issues that the band unveils so your help and friendship is invaluable. I would do anything for my band buddies and I know you would too.

I am thankful every day that I found such a great bunch of friends and you amaze me all the time with your strength of character.
Thank you all for sharing your lives, loves and problems. Thank you for your honesty.
Much love x

Friday, 21 May 2010


5 questions - funny and serious - to get to know each other better! Join in if you dare!

1. If you had 3 wishes what would they be and why? (you can't wish for more wishes or money!)(Thanks Steph)

* I'm totally with Draz on this one. Cure everything, it's always unfair.
Health and happiness to my children and all my family and friends.
And no drugs or alcohol. Wow wouldn't the world be a better place?

2. If you had all the money in the world and perfect circumstances - how many children would you have and what sex?

wow Draz me too!

*I currently have two girls. In a perfect world - I'd have one more - and it'd be a boy. I would also love twins.

3. Have you ever faked it? (Because I need to laugh...feel free to skip this one if it's too personal.)

*No, even if it takes a while to get "there" we get there in the end. Practice makes perfect.

4. What movie character do you think you look like?

Jabba the hut?

5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you this week and why?

I really liked vlog.
I'm still catching up on this weeks news from blogland (sorry)

my boring life, read on at your peril, you have been warned!

I wasn't going to blog this week as its been a nothing sort of week but hey ho here I am. It will be pretty random boring stuff (I'm not sorry though, you don't HAVE to read it)

I have been eating in a very un organised way this week but still sticking to approx 1000 cals. My custom report of calories on Tap & Track is 918 per day over a two week period. I have also continued to exercise, adding swimming to the regime.
Have I lost any weight I hear you ask?????
NO nothing for the last 3 weeks! Stop asking.
Is this driving me nuts? Yes.
Am I going to give up? No.
I am going to speak to the Dr's office on Monday and see if I can get in to see the nutritionist. I need help. Oh and the 918 cals does not take into account that I throw up almost everyday! Does food count if it's only been in there for 2 minutes?

Work is very boring and we are coming to the end of the production this week. All our machines are being shipped to China next week. It's very disheartening when you have to facilitate the move of your own job abroad. So by Wednesday I was bored with work and chucked a sickie. I spent the day cleaning the apartment and had a great time. How sad it that? My Dr did tell me some women go cleaning crazy once the weight starts to come off. Good job my crazy only lasted a day ;-)

On the job hunting front I found out this week that the guy who sits at the next desk who I supervise is applying for all the same jobs as me. I hate job hunting!
And I have just been visted by a lady from the Home Learning College who was EXCELLANT at her job and got me to sign up for a course on Pay Roll which costs £1170

Oh dear. Talk about hard sell. I think she played on my fear of being out of work and over 40 (she didnt promise to make me younger) But for that money I expect her to.

Oh and the car broke down this week and needed a new clutch which cost £550. And I wonder why I cant afford to go to Chicago.

Just reading this post I seem to be on a bit of a downer but I am not. The sun is shinning and I LOVE summer. So it will take more than a few set backs to get me down.

I was reading someones blog and Jess commented about Jackfit. So I started to follow his blog. It's so funny, well worth a read.

And I have just spent the afternoon catching up with you all. So that was time well spent. I love reading your blogs but I freaking love vlogs! Its like I get to meet you in person. One day I will get my daughter to show me how to do one but I have to grow a pair first and think of something to say.

I will load some pics later too.
Last week Drazil asked one of my questions on BYOC and I felt slightly famous for five minutes so thanks Draz for asking and thanks ladies for answering.
Much love.