Friday, 30 April 2010

600cals a day and gaining weight !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last Sunday DH ran the London Marathon in 4 hours and 58mins. I could not have been more proud. Although he is not overweight and stays relatively fit this was a huge accomplishment for him. He is very like me and we are the sort of people who have great ideas and big dreams but VERY rarely follow things through. We never finish anything. When he said he wanted to do it I had my doubts but supported him. He didnt start his training until the beginning of March (again we tend to put things off) and that made me think he would never do it although I never said as much. But hats off to him he did it. Not only was it fantastic for him but it also made me feel this was the beginning of a change in both of us. I do feel that we are turning into the type of people that work hard and find success instead of being the people that work hard at lots of different things but never get anywhere.
So big thumbs up for Marcus xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have been sticking to liquid this week after my fill last Friday and it hasn't been too much of a struggle. I haven't felt hungry although my stomach has been growling like a bear with toothache. The shakes have kept me full but here's the sting, I was 239lb on Monday and I weighed myself everyday as usual and the scales just kept going up and up!
Yesterday I was 243.5!!!!! I am only having 600cals a day. Whats that about?

Anyway I have been trying really hard not to be too disheartened. Maybe once I can eat food things will improve. I had some mashed potato on Thursday which went down ok but when I tried scrambled egg last night I could only manage two spoons full and it hurt. A 50g smooth yogurt takes ages to go down and even that leaves me feeling full to my throat.
Dont get me wrong I am glad the fill is working but I am hoping I can eat SOME food in the future. I have now switched my shakes from the slim fast kind which are full of sugar to protein shakes. Hopefully this will help with the weight loss.

I am still excited that the fill is working but I really need the scales to show some results.

I notice that lots of you have named the band. This started me thinking about what I should call mine. Before the band I always felt like there were two voices in my head. The good one that I always started the day with, who would say stuff like "ok today we will plan our meals and be good and by next week we will have lost weight" and the bad one who would say "you have had a hard day and you deserve to eat exactly what you want, go on treat yourself". The bad voice usually won and the good voice felt throughly bullied.

Now I have the band I think of them as Big Belly and little Belly. (I know belly is not a nice word, I realised that as soon as I wrote it down but thats what I call them.) Anyway, little belly is in charge as it now has a firm grip on the "throat" of big belly. So when I am feeling full (little belly) but my stomach is growling thats just big belly complaining that nothing is getting through.

Do you remember when I told you I had a vivid imagination ha ha .

Anyway the other day DH and I were driving home from work and he stopped to get a sausage roll (large pig in blanket). It smelled devine. My mouth was watering but I wasnt hungry and little belly was still full from lunch. DH was struggling to drive and hold the sausage roll so I asked him if he wanted me to hold it for him. (little belly knew that would be ok)
He laughed and said to me "No thanks I think that is big belly talking!".

So I dont think I will name the band yet. Big belly and little belly might come up with a name of their own.

Also, sorry to ramble, I have noticed that I have been much more assertive and willing to give my opinion now that I cannot silence my feelings with food. I am using this in a positive way. And finally telling people what I think rather than what I think they want to hear. Anyone else noticed that change??

Saturday, 24 April 2010

mmmmm not sure

I'm not sure if I should share my thoughts for today because like some of you I really just want to be liked but I suppose the whole point of this thing is to be honest whatever the outcome.

I have been really grumpy with everyone lately and at first thought it was PMS but that came and went and I was still snappy. Then I got to thinking am I just turning into a snappy, grumpy person? Was I happy to accept the quiet life before because I could turn to food to calm my temper or silence my voice of protest? Does this mean that I will be thin and miserable?

Also I have followed lots of people through their journey's and when I see their thin pictures they dont look like they were ever overweight but I cannot imagine a thin me. I just cant picture it at all. Is that normal? I thought you were surposed to get more confident as the weight came off but I dont feel that way yet. I have only lost 32lb so maybe its a bit soon to tell?

I love reading everyone's blogs and that's the one thing that keeps me going but I am feeling a little out of the loop. I havent been doing this long but maybe as my daughter pointed out "its just that other people are more interesting than you". Honestly I dont think she was being mean just trying to help.

Anyway I hope that this is just another one of those weird emotional roller coasters that the lap band seems to have me on and that the ride will be over soon and I can get on a jolly merry go round because this sucks.

Everyone is doing so well and being so positive that I hate to whinge but there it is. I'm off to feel sorry for myself for a bit.
Love you all x

Friday, 23 April 2010

BYOC, Drazil's 5 questions

1. Name a career you would not Not want to do and tell why?
I wouldn't want to be a cancer Doctor. I could not break that kind of news to people, especially children. I think it would be a very big burden to take home every day.
I couldn't do the prison thing either. I totally agree with Drazil on this one. But I am very thankful that we have special people in the world that can do the jobs I cant. Where would we be without them?

2. Whats the best present you ever received for your birthday?
My two daughters are now 18 and 22 and they are fantastic present givers. Sharna always gets me a luxury item, examples Dolche Gusto coffee maker, Egyptian cotton sheets, tickets to see Wicked in the West End. And Laura always gets me something hugely practical, examples fab dressing gown and slippers just before my surgery date, new gym pants when my old ones were too big and she also bought me Copics pens which I lusted after for my crafting projects. They always make me feel really special and do lots of little things that mean so much.

3. What do you hide behind?
I cant put my answer to this question any better than Drazil! I am really scared that I will lose the person that I am now. And I am also scared that people in my life have put me into a box, i.e I am their fat friend, the one that makes them feel better about themselves. Is that going to change? Alternatively are people going to be nicer to me because I am thinner? I have always said " If I was thin I would do that" or "when I am thin my life will be this" Am I going to be able to live up to this fantasy? What if I'm just not that great a person afterall?

4. Where were you born?
I was born in the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea but it wasnt as posh as it sounds. My Mother wasnt married and we didnt have much. I moved around London until I was 11, then we moved to Essex (just outside London) and I have lived there ever since. Although I did live in New Zealand for a year. If my numbers come up I will live in Florida because I love it.

5. Which comment affected you greatly?
I know its a lame answer but everyones post effect me. I am new to blogging and new to Lapbanding and until I found you all I felt very alone. My family and friends are all supportive but they dont understand like fellow banders do. I dont know how I would have got this far without Lap Band Talk and the lovely people I have met on there. And now I have a whole new world of friends who graciously share their innermost thoughts and help me through. I love you x

WoW What a Shocker!!!!!!

Today I had an appointment at the hospital for a barium xray. I was expecting to have this xray to check the position of the band. The letter said I could'nt eat or drink for 6 hours beforehand so no cup of tea this morning. :-(

I trotted off to the hospital for my 8am appointment. When I got there the lady who was in the next bed to me was there too so it was really nice to chat to her before we went in. They called her first but she asked if I could go first, I really didnt mind.

Anyway I walked into the xray room and there were 2 nurses, one tech, my surgeon and his understudy. They were going to do a fill! Yippee.

So I was really excited and eager for this to happen. They asked me to stand in front of the xray machine and the surgeon asked if I minded his trainee doing it. (I didnt) So she finds the port easily enough as it sticks out and puts the needle in. (this was less painful than I expected) BUT then I got this horrible weird feeling and started to feel faint. She was poking around under the surgeon's instructions and I was sweating and feeling sick.
I didnt want to feel like a wuss so I tried really hard not to think about what they were doing but I could'nt control it. The surgeon said insert some fluid and if you can extract it then you are in. She tried this and I got a horrible pain down my leg and nearly passed out!
I had to sit down and then they were asking me if I was scared of needles and to calm down. I was completely calm and I dont mind needles. this feeling was totally out of my control.
Then they asked if I was feeling faint because I hadn't eaten and told me they had sent the wrong letter and I could have eaten and drank before the appointment.

Anyway they asked me to lie down and then they discovered the port was the wrong way round so the lady had been poking away at the metal bit at the back. They finally got the needle in then stood me up to take the barium xray. The surgeon put 2ml in first then timed how long it took to flow through. He then put another 1 ml in and was happy with that. He said he prefers to put less in first rather than leave you unable to eat at all. I was thinking "fill her up please". Then he says "dont forget to tell us at your next fill that we have to go in from the underneath" I am not likely to forget! But he is a really lovely guy and explains everything and has a lot of patience with people. When I came out the other lady asked how it was and I said fine, I didnt want to scare her.

I have 3ml in and have to stick to fluids for 4 days the 4 days mushies then food. But to be honest it has taken me all day to drink 500ml of water. That is the weird thing, I have been used to being able to drink normally and now sipping is a VERY slow process.

I am so excited that I am finally on my way. I feel restriction, boy do I feel restriction and unlike after surgery I am hoping it will continue to remain this tight. Honestly I am SO excited :-)

I am due to go back for another fill in 3 months. I cant wait to see how much I can lose by then.
Its such a relief to be out of Bandster Hell.

But it's all taken a bit of a back seat because Marcus is running the London Marathon on Sunday so we are all really busy getting ready to cheer him on.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Holiday over, Back to work!

Last week we had Marcus's two sons to stay and they pretty much eat junk food. Well when I say junk food I mean I cook a reasonable dinner but they eat chips, cookies etc (keeping this American so you know what I'm talking about). I never buy any junk food, havent done for years. A treat in our house is yogurt or fruit. How we are all fat I dont know. But I digress, so we had the boys and I bought junk and guess what? I ate junk! Maybe it was just because it was there or maybe I was just being lazy but it was only week four of the band so I really should'nt have been able to eat junk.

I didn't eat a big quantity but even so I was really down on myself. We went out to the theme parks for two days and we had lots of family and friends round so lots of buffet food. :-p I even had a hot doughnut in the park.

This weekend I went away with my crafting friends. We all stay in a country house and scrapbook, chat, eat, drink wine and generally have a great time. I decided this would be a good time to refrain from the eating & drinking so I stuck to the shakes and weight watchers dinners. It was really hard but because I didnt take anything to cheat on I was really good. I did get a banging headache but I think that was because I didnt drink enough. My scrapbook girl friends are really supportive so it was a great confidence booster.

I also went back to work today after 4 weeks off! I have never had 4 weeks off in my life. Everyone asked how I was but no one said I looked like I had lost weight :-( thats what I get for working with men only. But I had a good day and managed to stay stress free. Even after the Wii Fit informed me I had stayed the same as last week.

I am really feeling like the band has been with me forever but not really doing anything. I still dont have a date for my fill which is disappointing but if I can just keep the weight I have already lost off till then I will be happy.

I am finding so much support in the blogs I'm reading it is helping me to keep things in perspective. It's so good to hear I am not the only one struggling and that it "should" all come good once I get my fill.

Now the difficult thing this week will be not scoffing the pasta I will have to cook everyday. Marcus is running the London Marathon on Sunday and I will be there to cheer him on and fill him up on carbs beforehand.. I am so proud of him. I will share some photos next week. Fingers crossed we can raise some money for Marie Curie Cancer Care.

Hope all you bloggers have a great week, much love Fiona x

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Bandster Hell

Well it's 19 days in and I can eat anything, drink as much as I want and no restriction.

This is harder than the pre op diet and I can honestly say I don't know why. When I was on the pre op diet I was so scared they wouldn't do the op that I NEVER cheated but now when the consequence's are much worse I find myself popping forbidden food in my mouth. I have discovered that I am a terrible picker and I don't know why I never noticed before.

Yesterday I started the day with a Slim Fast shake then I had another for lunch, a yogurt in the afternoon and fish pie for tea. All of which was ok and allowed but then in the evening I had 3 Ryvita with Philly (not high calorie food but not allowed). The Ryvita got a bit stuck and I had to have a drink quick! Why am I risking displacing my band for a bloody Ryvita cracker????

I need my head read.

My weight goes up a pound then down a pound everyday but today its down so I am feeling a bit more positive. I start every day with a positive attitude and try to stick to mainly liquid and mush. But the problem is that 4oz of mush does not fill me up and liquid only works for a short time. I am counting the weeks till I get my first fill. I think it will be at least another 4 weeks until its done.

But on the plus side I just had to buy jeans in a smaller size so that felt good and the weather is fine so I can get out and do more exercise. I am hoping to get my bike out of the shed this weekend and see if I can still ride it (its been a while).

We have Marcus's two sons with us this week so hopefully we will get a lot more exercise. We are going to the theme parks but I am not sure if I am allowed to go on the stomach turning rides??? Any advice would be gratefully accepted. I don't want to dislodge the band by going on a roller coaster.

Will post pics in the week.
Enjoy the sunshine ;-)