Tribute to Blog Land

Hi everyone x
I caught up with this week's posts yesterday and today and had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to get this down.

I know it sometimes looks like we gush compliments and lovely things to each other all the time and that's all we do but its SO much more. And I know you all know this but sometimes someone has to say it out loud as it were.

I have never had anyone in my life that is so accepting and supportive as my blog friends. Let me clarify. I had a BFF for 19 years. We were fantastic friends and when she split from her husband she moved in with me for 6 months even sharing my bed (my DH worked nights at the time) We spent many hours talking the night away. I thought she was a kindred spirit.

Anyway my marriage ended but because of financial issues I still lived with my ex. I met Marcus and so building a new relationship was very difficult while still living with the ex. But we made it work.Then my mum started to be really funny with me and my grandmother stopped talking to me and I didn't know why.

When my grandmother died I found out that my BFF had been to my mums and told her loads of lies about me and Marcus which my mum had told my grandmother. My grandmother being very disapproving cut me out of her will and stopped talking to me.
So I lost the last few years with my grandmother because of a bunch of lies and all the while my BFF was still enjoying my company as if nothing had happened.
I felt so betrayed. I can honestly say nothing in my life has hurt me more than this and I have been divorced twice! I was destroyed and although I have friends now I have never been that close with anyone. Marcus is my best friend now and my soul mate. Corny but true.

Anyway I digress. The posts this week have talked about money problems, depression, relationship problems, etc etc all subjects that have some sort of social shame attached to them. Subjects that we usually keep to ourselves for fear of being judged. But you all share knowing that none of us will judge. We will offer support, a shoulder to cry on, advice and acceptance. How great is that?

I have been coy to share things in my life because I want to be liked and accepted but I don't feel that way anymore. Your comments of support this week have showed me that you would not judge.

I can't tell you how much that means to me. My DH is fantastic but even he does not understand the unique issues that the band unveils so your help and friendship is invaluable. I would do anything for my band buddies and I know you would too.

I am thankful every day that I found such a great bunch of friends and you amaze me all the time with your strength of character.
Thank you all for sharing your lives, loves and problems. Thank you for your honesty.
Much love x

BYOC

5 questions - funny and serious - to get to know each other better! Join in if you dare!

1. If you had 3 wishes what would they be and why? (you can't wish for more wishes or money!)(Thanks Steph)

* I'm totally with Draz on this one. Cure everything, it's always unfair.
Health and happiness to my children and all my family and friends.
And no drugs or alcohol. Wow wouldn't the world be a better place?

2. If you had all the money in the world and perfect circumstances - how many children would you have and what sex?

wow Draz me too!

*I currently have two girls. In a perfect world - I'd have one more - and it'd be a boy. I would also love twins.

3. Have you ever faked it? (Because I need to laugh...feel free to skip this one if it's too personal.)

*No, even if it takes a while to get "there" we get there in the end. Practice makes perfect.

4. What movie character do you think you look like?

Jabba the hut?

5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you this week and why?

I really liked http://embracinganewpath.blogspot.com/ vlog.
I'm still catching up on this weeks news from blogland (sorry)

my boring life, read on at your peril, you have been warned!

I wasn't going to blog this week as its been a nothing sort of week but hey ho here I am. It will be pretty random boring stuff (I'm not sorry though, you don't HAVE to read it)

I have been eating in a very un organised way this week but still sticking to approx 1000 cals. My custom report of calories on Tap & Track is 918 per day over a two week period. I have also continued to exercise, adding swimming to the regime.
Have I lost any weight I hear you ask?????
NO nothing for the last 3 weeks! Stop asking.
Is this driving me nuts? Yes.
Am I going to give up? No.
I am going to speak to the Dr's office on Monday and see if I can get in to see the nutritionist. I need help. Oh and the 918 cals does not take into account that I throw up almost everyday! Does food count if it's only been in there for 2 minutes?

Work is very boring and we are coming to the end of the production this week. All our machines are being shipped to China next week. It's very disheartening when you have to facilitate the move of your own job abroad. So by Wednesday I was bored with work and chucked a sickie. I spent the day cleaning the apartment and had a great time. How sad it that? My Dr did tell me some women go cleaning crazy once the weight starts to come off. Good job my crazy only lasted a day ;-)

On the job hunting front I found out this week that the guy who sits at the next desk who I supervise is applying for all the same jobs as me. I hate job hunting!
And I have just been visted by a lady from the Home Learning College who was EXCELLANT at her job and got me to sign up for a course on Pay Roll which costs £1170

Oh dear. Talk about hard sell. I think she played on my fear of being out of work and over 40 (she didnt promise to make me younger) But for that money I expect her to.

Oh and the car broke down this week and needed a new clutch which cost £550. And I wonder why I cant afford to go to Chicago.

Just reading this post I seem to be on a bit of a downer but I am not. The sun is shinning and I LOVE summer. So it will take more than a few set backs to get me down.

I was reading someones blog and Jess commented about Jackfit. So I started to follow his blog. It's so funny, well worth a read.

And I have just spent the afternoon catching up with you all. So that was time well spent. I love reading your blogs but I freaking love vlogs! Its like I get to meet you in person. One day I will get my daughter to show me how to do one but I have to grow a pair first and think of something to say.

I will load some pics later too.
Last week Drazil asked one of my questions on BYOC and I felt slightly famous for five minutes so thanks Draz for asking and thanks ladies for answering.
Much love.

BYOC!

1. If you could be a cartoon character – who would you be and why?

I would be Tinkerbell! I absolutely love anything Disney and when I was a kid we used to watch The Wonderful World of Disney at Easter and Tinkerbell flys around the castle and waves her wand and I love that. Plus she can fly, she is cheeky & funny and so cute. Whats not to love. Only downside is that she doesn't get her man but I'm sure I could change that.
And when its my TOM I would be Cruella Deville ha!

2. Who was your teenage heart throb? (Thanks Fiona for this one)

Thanks Draz for asking this one for me x

My teenage heart throb was Donny Osmond (well I was a bit younger than a teenager maybe 10 or 11) and I used to dream that I was in a car crash and ended up in a coma so they played his music to try to wake me up. Then he came to visit me and instantly fell in love with me. I woke up and we went to live in Utah. ha ha ha makes me laugh so much now.

3. Do you believe being overweight is about a mental obstacle or do you believe it’s simply about overeating/food?

Its both and much more. If it was just food then diets would work. For me the mental obstacle is harder to overcome than the taste. I also think our way of life has a lot to play in being overweight. Take a typical McDonalds "meal". It is a days healthy calorie intake in one meal. If you include a milkshake or dessert you would be well over. What does that teach us about portion because lets face it its not a massive amount of food just very high in calories.
You have to take all this in to account to successfully manage your weight. I will let you know when I get it right.

4. What’s your all-time favorite song?

Mine changes all the time because lots of songs have different memories. I love "the time of my life" from Dirty Dancing because I heard it a lot the first time I went to Florida and I did have the time of my life. I also love "time to say goodbye" by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman and "fix you" by Cold Play always makes me cry.

5. Whose blog or comment spoke to you/stuck with you this week and why? This is our “you get to be famous for a moment” without having to follow all the rules of an official blog award question.


Jacquie’s blog was such a shock and so so sad. My heart goes out to her and her family. It made me hug my family just that bit tighter. And the comments I received about job hunting this week were so helpful and useful that I have to give them a mention. Special thanks to Genie x

The big five O

Who would have thought I would welcome the big five O?
Well it's easy to do when the five O is followers.

Thank you all so much for following my blog and leaving your encouraging comments. I hope some of my ramblings have helped in some small way because I have gained so much from reading all yours.

Today I want to talk about wind and fear.

Wind.
Since getting the band things of a digestive nature have change somewhat. The main change is burping. This may be a TMI situation but when I burp I swallow a gulp of air then that brings up the burp. Now this may be how everyone burps I don't know. Anyway now I feel a burp, swallow the gulp of air and then that gets stuck!!! This continues until I give up for fear of exploding and deal with the uncomfortable wind. Then days later I will move in a certain position (never can remember what position it is) and a burp will come up but this is no ordinary burp. Its the longest burp in the history of flatulence. Seriously I could say the alphabet twice!

And then there is the other end. If the above has continued without some sort of release the wind makes a break for another escape route. And now i am like an old lady in the supermarket that walks and pops off at the same time with no shame. I am just glad the wind is gone, I don't care who hears me.
Whats with that?????
Please let me know how you have dealt with this and if there are any secret remedies to release the wind in a company friendly way.

Now on to fear.
I am in the process of job hunting. I am petrified. I have no confidence in my own abilities and I'm not looking for a confidence boosting compliment here, they don't work for me.
So I get a call today about my CV. Someone is interested. This call is only from a recruiting agency not the employer but I go into panic mode. Hello, here comes the IBS and the sweats. I thought I had said goodbye to them. But wait this is not an interview, not even a telephone interview. What am I going to be like IF I ever get a real interview. I was thinking of maybe going to see a hypnotist to calm my nerves. I really have to do something. I can honestly say I have never been so worried or scared in my life but the weather is lovely here in denial. That's where I am staying until its all gone away.

Today is the second training day for my C25K so I will blog tomorrow re the pain and suffering.

Much love x

Now comes the pain.

So now comes the pain. I ran for 8 mins tops yesterday and I cant walk today! And going down stairs is torture. I cant imagine being able to run again tomorrow. I had the bright idea of going for a swim tonight but both our local pools were closed to the public for swimming lessons so I had to give it a miss.

I really need to plan this better so I can do something gentle to recover in between runs or else I am never going to make it.

On other news I sat here tonight and decided I would have some pineapple. It cant be that bad its fruit right? Wrong! First mistake was to cut the whole pineapple and have it in front of me. Even though it was a small one I ate the whole thing. Seriously I cant believe I managed to eat it all. How does that work, at lunchtime I cant finish a bowl of soup. Anyway I ate the damn pineapple THEN checked the calories. It was 453 cals. OMG that puts me well over for today and no exercise either. Panic.

But "deep breath" lesson learned. Never sit with more than you should eat in front of you and always check calories BEFORE you eat them.
I will have to do better tomorrow.

Thanks guys so much for the encouraging messages re the run.
Much love x

Me RUN???????

I have always wanted to run but have always felt I wasn't "built for it" if you know what I mean. But mentally it is a BIG DEAL for me.

Plus DH has started running and has just completed the London Marathon so he is all hyped up about it.

Now being a big fan (forgive the pun) of the biggest loser I am always amazed how they get much larger people than me to run. This just makes me feel worse. How come they can do it?????

Anyway I was reading through the blogs last week and someone mentioned the C25K plan. I checked it out and thought "maybe I could give this a try". I was also inspired by Grace and Ashli who both completed a 5k recently (well done girls).

I got home from work and it was really cold and I just wanted to have dinner and mooch on the couch. Plus after the taunt last week I was pretty nervous about running on the road. But I got in the car with DH and went to the local country park and started the plan.!!!!!!

Day one: 5 min brisk walking followed by 60 seconds running then 90 seconds brisk walking alternatively for 20 mins then 5 minutes walking.

It was SO hard. My legs felt like lead and my lungs were on fire. Who would have thought 60 seconds would seem so long? DH was fantastic. It was like having a personal trainer. I love him to bits. He was so patient with me. And we got the job done.

I am so pleased with myself. Granted it was a small step but I, ME, Fiona RAN!
Yippee :-)

Now whether I will be able to walk tomorrow is another matter.
And I think Ive got the couch bit licked.
Watch this space.

Ah just gotta love Sundays.

Today was the day. I had a date with the Wii Fit and I was ready! I got up early as I go to the cemetery every other week with my sister. Anyway I stepped on the Wii board and just dared it to put me in a bad mood. But what do you know I had lost 11lb in the last 20 days, and even more exciting than that I was down to 235lb or 16 stone 11 lb as we say in ye olde English.

Yipppeeee I did the happy dance I can tell you. Getting under 17 stone was a big deal as I had hovered around it for weeks. I am so glad that I have stayed off the bathroom scales (or the thrown in the bottom of the cupboard scales as they are now known).

So period over, I have now returned to my usual calm, rational happy go lucky self and I took a look at the big picture. As you can see from my ticker I was only banded on 22nd of March. That's only 7 weeks ago tomorrow and I have lost 39lb. That's fantastic! What was I moaning about???????

As long as the scale has a mainly downward trend I am OK with that. I'm not slimming for any particular event so there's no rush. Don't get me wrong I would love to lose it all in a couple of months but lets get real, I didn't gain it all that quickly.

I also looked at some of the changes that have happened in the last 7 weeks. I can now shop for clothes in most of the "normal" ranges in the supermarket as they go up to a UK22. I have dropped a jean size and the new ones are getting lose too. I used to have a pair of shoes that were on the last hole and DH had to do them up for me. Now they are on the smallest hole and I do them up myself (I cant believe I was OK with him doing them for me)and tights (pantyhose) are SO much easier to put on.

I also do not wake up with aching hips so I can lie in longer. Yay me. :-) So now I have my sensible head on I can see that there is so much to gain from this other than a smaller number on the dreaded scale.

Next weekend we are getting our bikes out of storage and hopefully I will still be able to ride it. Its been a while. And I bought some new goggles today so I am going to swim at least twice this week, I cant wait.

Here's to an excellent week for everyone, much love.

Thanks x

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to the girls that replied to my post on Thursday "going cold Turkey".

Thanks so much for the advice. We are having our "weigh in" tomorrow so fingers crossed the sarky Wii Fit guy is happy with me. I ate scrambled egg today and for some reason my band has been killing me ever since. Surely it cant be stuck with scrambled egg?

Anywhoo I cant face eating anything else today so I better lose at least a pound tomorrow.

I promise to post something happy, funny and positive this week!

BYOC!

1. Do you have any nicknames? (Thanks for this question Joey)

• Well as my name is Fiona I get called Fi by some people (never FiFi thank you!) and DH usually calls me babe but that's about it. Well I bet some people have called me Fiona the moaner in the past but not to my face. Grrrrr

2. What was your “last straw”? The incident/situation that made you decide to get a lap band or commit to losing weight via any plan this time?

I didn't have one "last straw" moment. It was more a gradual drip drip of "I'm so fat" moments. And up until two years ago I had not suffered health wise. I was tired of not being able to go on theme park rides, not having any confidence, not feeling sexy. I could go on. And mainly my hips and back were so painful in bed that I would have to get up at 6am as I couldn't stand to lay down any longer. I felt old before my time and its not good to live a life where you hate yourself all the time.

3. What’s your favorite joke or funny story? (This is from Sandy – she needs some laughter to start the weekend and requested this one.)

I have a silly sense of humour so kids jokes crack me up.
Like, what do Mexicans have under their carpet? Underlay, Underlay, Underlay!
Or Did you hear about the insomniac atheist dyslexic who layed awake all night wondering if there was a DOG?
(Ever wondered why they made Dyslexic so hard to spell?)

4. If you could be a TV dinner – what flavor would you be?

Oh mmm??? Maybe Chilli Con Carne, or fried chicken and spicy wedges with potato chips on the side. This is a hard question because at the moment nothing is going down so its hard to imagine any food being swallowed. Plus I don't really like spicy food so why did I pick Chilli??? Maybe I'm missing flavour?

5. The question we do every week so everyone can be a little famous without having to do an official blog award….what blog or comment stuck with you or spoke to you the most this week and why?

This week was LDswims and her post about her mother which really touched my heart and My New Life Rules with the escaping BOOB story.

Going cold turkey!

Here's some background on the title.

I lost 21 lb pre band,7lb in the first week banded and then 6lb in the next week. Since then the scales have gone up and down over the same 5lb. I have lost nothing for 5 weeks! And I have had a fill. No weight loss since the fill. I know its not realistic to continue losing at that weight but come on, nothing for 5 weeks! The week after the fill I could only manage liquids hense the low calories for the week. The next bit is boring but I need to write it (sorry in advance)

LAST 5 WEEKS CALORIES
Week one total 7090
Week two total 6800
Week three total 4140 Fill this week so liquids only
Week four total 5510
Week five total 4096 still 3 days to go.

I have also increased my exercise so I am really fed up that the weight is not coming off. It's not like I only have a few pounds to lose. I didn't expect to stall so early on. I have decided along with the support of DH that we will give it another two weeks before going back to the dietitian.

But the main reason for this post's title is my decision not to weigh myself everyday. I know this is not a big deal to most people but it's huge for me. I have always weighed myself everyday even when I was overeating. It's like not brushing your teeth. I even used to weigh myself in the night if I got up to pee!

I have gone cold turkey for two days now and it's a real achievement for me.
We have agreed to continue the food log, exercise at least 5 times a week and weigh in as a family every Sunday using the Wii fit. The first weigh in is this Sunday.

I am desperately trying not to let the fact I am not losing weight rule my life but I am feeling really nervous that the band will not work for me. (my worst nightmare).

Also this week DH and I went for a walk. We walked for an hour at a really good pace. I was enjoying this walk until someone went past in a car and shouted "fat slag"! I was so embarrassed. I think it would have upset me if I was on my own but because DH was there I felt embarrassed. He was really angry but that just made me feel worse. If I had been on my own I would have had my headphones in so would not have heard them. This made me think "does this happen often and I just don't hear it?". I know it was just some idiot but coupled with the fact I have my period and I am not losing weight I just felt awful.

Oh and yesterday my boss asked me to stay on at work until the end of July (I am being let go at the end of June) but he didnt ask DH (we work together). So DH felt like crap and I was torn on what to do. I havent got another job to go to yet so another months pay would be good.

I am writing this post and then going to spend my morning off reading the posts of the week for some inspiration.

I would love to hear from anyone who is well past this stage if you can tell me its normal, it will get better, anything positive really. I know once I have caught up with you all I will feel re energised and raring to go so thanks for all your support. Can't wait for BYOC this week x

BYOC

1. What’s your favorite smell? I am very smell orientated so this could be a long list. Cut grass, fresh coffee, clean sheets, cinnimon, fresh flowers, the beach, oranges, roast dinner, BBQ, Anais Anais (fave purfume) Almond flavoured anything, coconut shampoo, etc etc etc


2. What is your all-time favorite movie and why? I think there is a movie for different moods. I used to say The Colour Purple was the best weepie but I just watched The Notebook and I sobbed, I even cried when I was telling DH about it! I love The SandLot Kids for family fun, The Wizard of Oz for nostalgia, Anything Zombie related for scaryness, Dumb and Dumber for laughs mmm I have to say I just love watching films. Anything and everything.


3. What’s your trigger food? I have to think back now because since the fill nothing is a trigger (bet that doesnt last) but it always was bread. I could eat a loaf in a day. Most carbs would do it but bread and crisps were my downfall.


4. When someone you love is going through a difficult time – what are your go-to words to make them feel better – in just a sentence or two? I usually say "ah lamb dont worry you will get through it and I will do anything to help you. What do you need?"


5. This one is always the same. Who is your nominee for the blog of the week for YOU? Which blog OR comment touched your heart, spoke to you, stuck with you all week? The Unknown Bander "needs advice" I really related to this post as I am going through the same stuff. Also A Brand New Roo for "what do I hide behind" for her amazing honesty. What a moving post, really made me feel humble that I worry over the smallest things.